Zombie Apocalypse Watch Day 1088

Not a fucking sausage. Again. How long do I have to keep doing this? Till all of the hoarded SPAM goes off? How long is that going to take?

Where Were You...?

It's become pretty popular these days to talk about where you were on 9/11. As i'm unable to resist a new fad I thought i'd give you my two-cents-worth.

When 9/11 occurred I was either racing around Bathurst or committing piracy on the Spanish Main. This is because I was asleep. Friends of mine were apparently ringing each other and having whatever the apocalyptic version of a kaffeeklatch is but they've never fully explained why they didn't ring me. I'd say because I was the only one who had a job at the time but I don't want to be accused of making value judgments.*

Anyway, the upshot of all this was that the next day, while everyone else was blearily ruminating into their tenth-or-so coffee, I was keen-eyed, clear-headed and Taking Care Of Business, which in my case involved selling cars. I'm pleased to say that if it had been the aim of Al Quaeda to disrupt the Australian economy by aggressively negotiating an ultra-sharp deal on a 2001 Mitsubishi Magna, then their plans were foiled.

*Despite the fact that I am.

Reviews Of Books I Have Not Read, Nor Ever Will

Quite a lot of people don't have the time to read books these days. Thankfully I am not one of them. A lot of these people ask me to review books on this emblogulation in order that they may pretend to have read them. While i'm flattered, I read books for entertainment and not to show off so instead, I will review books as asked, i'm just not going to read them first.

Gone With The Wind.
If you're a fan of things that happened in America quite a long time ago then this may be the book for you. Most of the covers have the title in that old-timey font I associate with Western movies, so that's probably what it is. I'll go out on a limb and say that it's about the American Civil war because I heard that somewhere. I can tell you that it was read by one of the characters in The Outsiders, a book I read for Year Nine English. That's a bit meta but I hope it helps.

Fahrenheit 451.
It's about burning books, but that's all i've got. Mind you, I also know that the combustion level of woodpulp-based paper is about 850 degrees fahrenheit so good job with that one Heinlein or Bradbury or Dick or whoever.

The Quick and the Dead.
Written by Norman Mailer who was supposed to be the 1960's literary answer to Teddy Roosevelt (the American Alfred Deakin). It's either about World War Two or its a Western. I like both those genres but i've never read this. Curious.

Ulysses.
An Irishman gets drunk, which was apparently torn from the front pages of the newspapers of the day. It's a pretty shit read so I read Gravity's Rainbow instead. That's saying something.

The Wheel of Time series.
It goes on forever and doesn't stop. It's either better than or worse than Lord of The Rings depending on whether you talk to a Tolkien fan or not. I really don't care.

Random Doobings

Captain Doobie, after some struggling (owing entirely to the chair which had been placed in front of the door) barged into the bathroom. Here he confronted a be-shavingcreamed and altogether quite embarrassed Goodtime Slim.
"Aha!" he declared, channeling James Earl Jones from the internets, "I thought so!"
Goodtime Slim his his face in shame. "Don't look at me!" he cried, "I'm hideous!"
"Oh shit yeah," agreed Captain Doobie.
Goodtime Slim was a bit miffed. "You don't have to agree quite so readily," he told his housemate.
"Bugger off. Anyway, I know what you're up to, bucko. You're growing a moustache!"
This was true. Goodtime Slim could hardly deny it, standing as he was in the bathroom, in his pyjamas with a face freshly-shaven save for the delicate curls of shaving cream on his upper lip. He knew there was no reasoning with Captain Doobie, so he decided to brazen it out.
"Indeed," he replied, "Because it's Movember."
"Movember?" shrieked Captain Doobie, mainly because he found so few opportunities to do so, "Poppycock. You know full well that it's Burt Reynolds' birthday coming up. I bloody know you, mate. You were gonna dress up in a red shirt and black jeans and try to scam a test drive in a Trans-am."
Goodtime Slim thought this was grossly unfair, completely true though it was. "Don't tell me you've never wanted to."
"True, but I already have a beard." This was a point for debate. Whatever the bum-fluff covering Captain Doobie's face and chin was, it could only very loosely be called 'a beard'.
Captain Doobie grew thoughtful. "I suppose I could go the 'fro instead," he mused.
Goodtime Slim considered this. "What, Frovember?"
"Yes."
"The mo's already have that one." Goodtime Slim smiled, "Why don't you try 'Froctober' instead?"

These 'Day' Days Are Getting Out Of Hand

This week at some point (Thursday? Fuck knows) was National Are You Okay Day. For the philistinic and unenlightened, this was a day when people were encouraged to talk to their friends and loved ones to make sure they weren't about to commit suicide.

This was all terribly important and I hate to be a fly in the ointment but if you have to take time out of your day to speak to someone to see that they're not fitting a noose around their own neck at that very moment, you should probably be sharing some blame for their predicament. Call me needlessly pie-in-the-sky on this one, but wasn't your ignoring them kind-of causing this problem in the first place? In part, at least.

I don't want to brag, but i'm happy to say that I didn't receive a call from anyone. Not a fucking sausage. I assume this means that everyone thinks i'm a level-headed chap for whom self-destruction is merely a remote possibility. There's also the other option that i'm just such a forceful guy that people thought that to intervene in my suicide may well result in my killing them too and then riding their soul to hell ala Slim Pickens in Dr Strangelove. I'm pretty cool with both of these, truth be told.

Personally, I didn't ask anyone if they were ok simply because I didn't want to get any answers in the negative. It would be awkward. I mean, what would i do?

"Hey man, I just rang to see if you were ok."
"Hold on, I can't hear you with this damn noose on. What?"
"It's National Are You Ok Day, so I thought i'd give you a call."
"Oh. I see. Well, since you're asking, I was just about to kill myself."
"Wow. That's harsh."
"Yeah. So, you're gonna change my mind now, I guess, right?"
"Um, about that. I'll level with you, i'm just doing this because of some internet meme. I have no fucking idea what i'm doing."
"Right. Well, id better go. Shit to do, man."
"I really do feel obligated to lodge some form of token resistance to your plan."
"Yeah, well, noted."
"Um, right. Hey, can I have your car?"

Random Doobings

"Hello," said Captain Doobie, holding the phone in what he believed to be a cavalier manner, "I'd like to speak to someone about my internet."
There was a pause.
"No I don't have my home phone through you."
There was a slightly longer pause.
"Or my mobile."
There was an even longer pause.
"Could I speak to someone who's not from the planet fuckhead?"

Some Heavy Shit Has Been Going Down And We Didn't Spot It, Man.

There's no easy way to lay this on you, so i'm just going to come right out and say it: how do we know that the characters in the Peanuts comics are kids?

I mean, really, think about it. Apart from Snoopy and Woodstock (who i'm fairly sure are not human), what do we have?

Schroeder: Displays a talent for the piano that children usually don't.
Lucy: Operates a successful psychiatric clinic.
Charlie Brown. Bald. He's fucking bald! Why did you think he was a kid?

We've never seen any 'adults' at all in the comics. Oh, they're talked about, mentioned, but NEVER SEEN. Its like they were all murdered or something, and their children have simply grown up in denial. I can only speculate as to the fate of Ms Othmar.

Suddenly the Peanuts strip seems a whole lot more bizarre, doesn't it?