Monday, January 29, 2007

Mad Max: The Director's Cut


When making movies, especially on a tight budget, there are always things that directors wish to do, but cannot. In the case of Kennedy Miller's "Mad Max" (1977) many scenes had additional dialogue which could not be used for reasons of length. This additional dialogue has remained filed away at the SA Film corp for some time, but can now be revealed to the general public. I have edited a small sample below.

Scene 34: Outside The Halls Of Justice.
As the court case against Johnny The Boy drags on, Bubba Zanetti stands waiting for his return to the Halls Of Justice. Behind him, several teenage boys are examining the wreckage of the Chevy.

Boy: Hey mister, what happened to that?
Bubba: What do you think happened to it?
Boy: Looks like it was chewed up and spat out.
Bubba: Perhaps it was the result of anxiety.
(pause)
Boy: Are you a poofter?

Scene 5: The Caravan Scene.
The MFP car containing Roop and Charlie (Big Bopper) has smashed through a caravan. While Charlie lays unconscious Roop manages to radio to the other pursuing officers:

BB: Big Bopper to March Hare, we can't continue, we're out of the game. Oh, and you'd better send a meat wagon. Charlie's copped a saucepan in the throat.

(pause)
MH: A what now?
BB: A saucepan.
(pause)
MH: What's a sucepan again?
BB: A F*CKING SAUCEPAN!
MH: What, an actual saucepan?
BB: YES!
MH: Sorry, I thought you were using some CB term I hadn't heard before.
BB: (sighs) No, I meant a real, actual saucepan.
MH: Oh. Sh*t.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Random Doobings

Goodtime Slim looked at his watch for the 50th time and then, also for the 50th time, knocked on Captain Doobie's door.
"For Hubbard's sake, are you ready yet?"
"Nearly," came the muffled yet cheerful reply, "I'm just picking out a tie."
Goodtime Slim blanched. Captain Doobie's taste in ties had been known to make seagulls explode.


Monday, January 22, 2007

Just A Thought

I saw something yesterday which got me thinking. A car in front of me had a bumper sticker which read: "Warning: In The Event Of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned".

This made me think that if we have to teach ID in schools, we should ban all Christians from holding a driver's license. If they believe that they may be called up to heaven at any time, surely they must be considered too dangerous to be allowed to operate vehicles or heavy equipment. They should not be given licenses, in the same way that epileptics and narcoleptics are not.

How many people would remain actively christian if this were the case? How many would give it up if it got in the way of their daily lives?

Friday, January 19, 2007

Celebrity Cage Matches I'd like To See

Note: * indicates that a cup of tea and a little lie down will be required.

1. Great Uncle Bulgaria vs Paddington Bear
2. Leela vs Sarah-Jane*
3. Horse vs Irish Murphy's Pigs
4. Jeremy Clarkson vs A Combine Harvester
5. Zara Phillips vs Kate Whatshername*
6. The Pope vs The Chaos Pope
7. Darth Vader vs K9

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The History Of Stuff, Part 10

The Influences Of The School Recorder On Popular Music:

1. F*ck all.

2. Well, Tull I suppose. Maybe some Span.

3. Acker Bilk?

A Question For SA Water

If I donate blood, can I get a concession on my water restrictions? I mean after all, i'm giving it back.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Just a thought


I don't know how the rest of you feel about it, but i'd like to think that pilates hasn't taken off in Japan because when they say it they think they mean 'pirates'.

Then again, I wouldn't mind taking pirates classes, so who knows? They're an inscrutable race, pirates.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

New Character For Next Novel


Hows this: A vampire who got bitten by a werewolf, so that every full moon he becomes a werewolf, and he solves crimes in his spare time!

Monday, January 08, 2007

I Want Some Cake


Pooh. It's 10am, i'm at work, and I fancy a slice of cake. What am I supposed to do now????? I can bide my time, go to the bakery at lunch and get a doughnut or a vienna slice, but it's not the same.

There should be some sort of delivery service. Why isn't there? Can anybody tell me? Cakes'r'us, or something. The Cheesecake shop should be looking into this. They could have special cars that looked like slices, and if they hit anybody they wouldn't hurt them because the bumpers would be made out of meringue.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Random Doobings


"Oh my God!" cried Goodtime Slim, immediately sitting in the dead centre of the dinghy, "That crocodile just ate our tour guide!"

"Crikey!"* yelled Captain Doobie, peering over the side, "I wonder where it went."
"Who cares? Just help me row ashore. And don't hang over the side of the boat!"
"Pfft. Why not?"
"BECAUSE THERE ARE CROCODILES ATTACKING PEOPLE!!!!!"
"Only one. And he's harmless now."
"What? How?"
"Well," explained Captain Doobie, "He's an amphibian, isn't he?"
"SO?"
"He's just eaten. It's going to be an hour before he can come back out of the water."


*Steve Irwin died for that joke. Laugh, damn you.

It Is Done

I've read Gravity's Rainbow, by Thomas Pynchon, and i'm just a little bit proud. I started it because i'd read Mason & Dixon, and wanted to see how Pynchon's other work stacked up. Then I began hearing rumours that it was a 'difficult' book, so I had to read it then.

Yes, it was difficult, but not impossible. You just had to keep your finger on the wider plot. There were no chapters and the whole thing was stream-of-conciousness, not of the character but of the author.
A brief summary of plot: Tyrone Slothrop, U.S. Army, stationed in London during the V2 blits of 1944, discovers that he can sense the impending arrival of V2 bombs by his tumescence. The top brass find out, and discover that the reason goes back to Pavlovian experiments carried out on the infant Tyrone by Dr Lazlo Jamf, who later invented Imipolex G, an early plastic used in the V2 rocket. The top brass realise that Tyrone is aware of parts of this, so they spoonfeed him enough info to convince him to go AWOL and track down the source of the rockets, hoping that he will lead them to the mysterious S-gerat, rocket 00000, which the Nazis developed in secrecy at the end of the war, then fired. Everyone (British, Americans and Russians) want to know what was so special about the S-gerat. The most organised of the German remnants, the Schwarzcommando, have even gone as far as secretly constructing a second S-gerat, 00001, from spare parts. Tyrone has many adventures with the black market in particular as he wanders 'the Zone', the novel's euphemism for an occupied Germany, where law and order have not yet been restored. He eventually gives up his search, as does the Russian Colonel Tchitcherine, and the Schwarzcommando are left to fire their second rocket in peace. It is only in the last pages that we learn what the S-gerat contained: a human cargo. In great irony, Pynchon forces the reader to remember the first 20 pages of the novel, the seemingly useless introduction of 'Pirate' Prentiss, where he explains that the V2 made it to the edge of space. Thus the S-gerat, developed by the Nazis in secret, was not a vengeance weapon, but a suicide mission for a German, to use the rocket technology to be the first men in space before the Russians and the Americans grabbed the scientists and the equipment.

Pynchon's encyclopaedic vision never falters throughout the book. The reader is constantly belted with new information, 99% of it completely off-topic. The book has a decidedly dark bent, some have called it obscene, and I can only agree. There's a bit about elephants I could go on about for a long time. Other stuff is just plain wierd, like the dance instructions for the songs that start appearing about 3/4 of the way into the book, or the 4-page 'autobiography' of Boris the lightbulb that segues in towards the end.

On a final note, the Wikipedia entry states that the S-gerat ended it's flight by obliterating a cinema. It does not. The symbolism of a crowd in a cinema and the flickering frames is used to describe the moment of the rocket's perihelon, but it's never stated where 00000 actually lands. Does it land at all? Did it make it into orbit? The cinema motif is also used close to the end when Pynchon is talking about John Dillinger. I think someone at Wikipedia is getting a bit mixed up.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

To Whom It May Concern


Dear Gideons,

Recently, whilst on enforced sojurn to the eastern reaches of the Empire i was idly leafing through a copy of the bible that your organisation had kindly left in my hotel room. Whilst I did so, I noticed several deviations from the authentic King James Version:

1. Noah did not have a son named Spam.
2. Moses did not come running down Mount Sinai followed closely by a boulder, ducking under a juniper bush and pausing only to collect a hitherto-unmentioned fedora.

3. The Disciples did not refer to each other as 'dude'.
4. In none of the bibles I have seen was Jesus described by Paul as 'looking a bit like Kris Kristofferson'.
5. Pontius Pilate did not advise the Pharisees to 'get medieval' on any part of Jesus.

Please contact your publisher regarding these matters as soon as possible. Thank you.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Gravitas Rainbow

Without wishing to sound at all superior (yet managing it anyway) i'm quite pleased to say that i'm now about 150 pages from the end of Gravity's Rainbow, by Thomas Pynchon. And i've noticed something strange: all of the stuff that I read about in the reviews happens in the first 200 pages. After then, there's a heap of interesting stuff that builds as the novel progresses that never seems to be mentioned at all. Was Pynchon toying with the arts fraternity? Introducing new sub-plots 500 pages in then chucking to himself as he could tell which reviewer actually read that far? I'd like to think so. A full review will be coming in a day or so when I finish the damn thing.

On the subject of books, i've become emamoured recently of collections of articles. I keep them in the car because they're good for light reading, which suits me for when I have to eat on the run. I hate just sitting around eating and not doing anything else, so a paperback which can be held in one hand is great. One which is comprised of short articles is even better, because it may be some time between meals and I don't want to try to remember plot.

The best so far have been (surprisingly) Sir Robert Morley. He's not someone I knew very much about pror to reading his book "Morley Marvels" but I do now. We seem to approach things from the same direction, plus he is witty, erudite and amazingly indolent. I'm currently on the lookout for more of his stuff.

On the other end of the scale for mealtime company would be Jeremy Clarkson. I don't really wish to settle down to some salt & pepper squid and chips just to be harangued for my love of Toyota Corollas. Never was this brought home to me more forcefully than a couple of months ago. I'd taken a copy of Clarkson's latest ramble with me on a trip to Melbourne, and the plane hit rather bad turbulence coming into Tullamarine. As passengers screamed, moaned and clung to their partners for dear life I, a lone traveller, looked down at the cheekily grinning face peering back at me from the paperback cover in my hand and thought "please don't let me die with only Jeremy Clarkson for company". That sort of thing scars a man.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Random Doobings

Captain Doobie,
The Cloisters
Morphett Vale SA 5162

Dear Captain,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. SAPOL are always looking for new ways in which to liase with the community and we woud be delighted to supply you with the projections you requested.

To summarise your request, here is your list of personalities, accompanied by the reward for the theoretical kidnappers, should they be apprehended:

Anne Wills: $5000
Ugly Dave Grey: $3500
Humphrey B Bear: $7500
HRH Elizabeth Windsor: $1m
Jean Luc Picard: $60000
The Goodies: $10000
Chilly Billy, The Little Man Who Lives In The Fridge: $200
Arnold Schwarzenegger: $750000
Lucille Ball: $20

I hope this has been of some assistance.

Yours,

Chief Inspector Slaptard
SAPOL Customer Relations (Gulag)

p.s. SAPOL would like to remind members of the general public that kidnapping is not a very nice thing to do.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Things I Could Do Better Than An Austrian

By J Stalin, age 13

1. Grow a moustache
2. Run the world
3. Pogroms

Friday, December 15, 2006

Figgin Fryer Lands In Hot Water

NOARLUNGA: Local resident Captain Doobie has been detained by police on charges of Causing An Affray following an incident at a local shopping centre.

Police spokesperson Constable Felcher told reporters that Mr Doobie, who claims to be a Captain in the 'Salvation Navy' had been operating a business within the centre without the permission of Centre Management.

"He was operating a small pastry-vending business on a card-table in the mall," Constable Felcher reported, "When asked to move on by Security staff he became agitated and began making threatening comments, at which point the Police were called."

While Mr Doobie was not available for comment a spokesman for 'Doobies Olde-Tyme Christmasse Treates', Mr Goodtime Slim, told us that Mr Doobie's arrest had been the result of a misunderstanding.

"We are aware that permission is needed to trade in the Centre," Mr Slim said, "but our cat ate all of the relevant signed paperwork. When Captain Doobie was approached by Centre Staff he was more than amicable, and as a gesture of goodwill offered to toast their figgins for free."

Mr Slim acknowledges that the Security staff member's interpretation of the term 'figgin' may be to blame for the subsequent fracas.

"That," he said, "and Captain Doobie's new DVD of Season 2 of 'Are You Being Served', which he watched before leaving to man the stall."

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Fun In The Workplace

Names written on the 'Quit Smoking Seminar' sign-up sheet in the factory in which I work:

1. Peter Jackson
2. Winnie Blue
3. Mr Dunhill
4. A camel

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I Hate Cheese


This morning, the presence of mice in the building was brought to my attention. At lunchtime, I bought some mousetraps and some cheese for bait. Or at least, I tried to. The mousetraps were fine, easily found in Woolworth's hardware aisle. The cheese, on the other hand, was a different matter. Being lactose intolerant* I have never in my entire life ever thought about the retail possibilities of cheese. As such I had no idea where it was kept, and Woolworths weren't helping any. By process of deduction, I reasoned that it must be refrigerated, but none of the fridges held any. I could find milk, yoghurt, yakult and all that crap, but no cheese. The deli had a range of weird Venezuelan Beaver Cheeses but no home-brand cheddar, Coon, or any other brand that I recognised from the Peter Russell Clark Marketing Board. In the end I resorted to walking up and down every aisle in the supermarket before stumbling across the cheese fridge which had been placed, against all logic, as far away from the dairy goods as possible. I hate cheese.

*As opposed to just intolerant

Finally, A Bit Of Culture


Jerry Reed, Co-Star of 1977s “Smokey and the Bandit” auditions for the role of Hamlet.

To be, or not to be, son,--well now that is a big 10/4 ain’t it?:--
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of that darned outrageous fortune
Well now, suppose we take arms against a sea o’ troubles,
And by opposing end them? Honey, hush!--To die,--to sleep,--
No more; and by a sleep to say what we end
That ol’ heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,--weeeel, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd, you hear me boy? Yup, to die,--to sleep;--
To sleep! perchance to dream:--ha ha ha, there's the rub, son;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause, ha ha ha: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
C’mon Amos, who’d bear the whips and scorns of time,
The smokey's wrong, that ol’ Bandit’s contumely,
The pangs of despis'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes, ha ha ha!
When he his-self might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would these fardels bear,
(what in heck is a fardel anyhow?)
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,--
That ol’ undiscover'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, son, --done puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we got
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; ha ha ha!
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, son;
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard, their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action,
I’m eastbound and down, ha ha ha!
Aw shoot, I oughta be in Stratford-upon-Avon.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Wake-Up Call

You know that you're too into country music when you find out that Jerry Reed once did a guest appearance on Scooby Doo, so you rush to EzyDVD.com to see if it's available.

And you feel sad when it isn't :o(