Possible New Book Ideas

They Shall Know Our Viscosity. A revealing look at oil drillers and the women who dare to love them.

Captain Doobie Plays It Safe. This prequel to the Doobie/Slim oveure pits a pre-Goodtime Slim Captain Doobie against his nemesis, Hooter Johnson, for control of the monkey bars.

So You're Running The Country. Practical advice for the inexperienced dictator.

Saharan Gold. Three deserters in WW2 North Africa, a German, and Australian and an Italian, each have 1/3 of a map showing the way to King Solomon's Treasure. But can they co-operate for long enough to beat the British Army's Office of Artifacts and it's sadistic Captain Peregrine Thorne?

Now Hear This

All readers be aware that this is a parody site. For all of you who have contacted me over the last few days, please understand this, because I am only going to say this once more. Read my lips: I do not have a device for the improved cleaning of tricycles.

I wish that I did, I really do. For all of you who have contacted me wishing to know purchase details, I can only point you towards the joint CSIRO/MIT study.

Rejection letter

Dear Mr White,

Thank you for your plot outline for a Star Trek: The Next Generation novel. The panel felt that yours was certainly a new approach to characterisation in the Star Trek franchise. However, we were forced to concede that whilst entertaining it did break several of the strictures on our submission website. As such we would ask you to review the story and resubmit at a later date.

While we cannot provide specific feedback on submissions I would like to add that several members of the panel were strongly concerned at your use of the term "fisting".

Yours,

Chalbert Hottentot,
Stigmata Publishing Inc, Inc.

Chuck Norris Jokes

I'm reliably informed that the latest internet phenomenon sweeping the superhighway is that of the Chuck Norris Joke. As I see it the premise is simple: make a bold statement claiming that Chuck Norris can do something impossible. As such, here goes:

Chuck Norris was once defecated on by a roc.
Chuck Norris (a male with no female sexual organs) mensturates.
When Chuck Norris was a Daimyo in Tokugawa-era Japan he did not adhere to the Shogun's mandate of Sankin-Kotai. Despite this he was not ritually disembowelled and his lands were not confiscated by the Shogunate.

Chuck Norris has never caught the pocket of his slacks on the doorknob of a cabinet.
Chuck Norris always leaves the toilet seat down and checks that there is a full roll of toilet paper under the skirt of the doll on the windowsill. If there is not, he changes it.

Chuck Norris once watched one of his own movies.

Hey-ho the dairy-o.

"This new device will revolutionise the tricycle cleaning industry as we know it! Oh, you may scoff --"
"May I? Ta very much." *scoffscoffscoff*
"Are you quite finished?"
"Not yet." *scoff* "Righto, carry on."

Back In The Day

Sometimes, it's important not to underestimate people's capabilities. I remember back in '67 (December I think), when I was working for ASIO, I was approached by a chap who wanted to complain because he felt he was being watched. Normally it's pretty difficult for someone to get in touch with ASIO but the guy was in the Navy so he knew what strings to pull. Now I'd never heard of him and apart from personnel records he wasn't on our files at all. I didn't want to be rude though, so I thought i'd better talk to him and see if there was anything that I could do to help. Well, turns out things were worse than I thought because the chap (who was in some distress) not only felt that he was being followed, but felt that he was being followed by the Prime Minister himself.

I have to admit that I was dabbling in a bit of armchair psychology at the time, and I suppose more than anything it was a reaction to a book i'd been reading entitled "Facing Your Fears" that caused what happened next. I told him that the best thing for him was to confront the PM the next time he saw him. Collar him, ask him why he was following him, then give him a jolly good talking to. I'm not defending my advice now, but it seemed the best thing at the time, you understand.

After hearing that, the chap seemed visibly reassured, and left my office with a spring in his step and (as the saying goes) a song in his heart. The next day, of course, the shit hit the fan but as I said at the time: how was i supposed to know he commanded a submarine?

Invasion of the Multidimensional Discorporations

Fast Food Outlets in Arkham, Massachusetts:

McNyalartholeps
Hungry Shoggoths
Shibboleth's Patisserie
PoLFC (formerly Plateau of Leng Fried Chicken)
Barnacle Dagon
Shub-niggrauthway
Colour-Out-Of-Space Rooster
Nandos

From my new play

An excerpt from my work-in-progress, "The Curse Of The Aldershot Throckmortons".

Harold:                 But what about the old boy?
Elspeth:        Oh goodness, i'd nearly forgotten. Ponsonby, is Daddy dead?
Ponsonby:       No ma'am, merely asleep.
Harold:                 Does he always sleep with a book over his face?
Ponsonby:       Yes sir. He says he likes to wake up with great expectations.
Harold.                 He must have the dickens of a time getting to sleep.

Local Study Proves Cake Cancer Culprit

Noarlunga: Scientists have determined that fat ladies farting on cakes in supermarkets has been found to cause cancer in laboratory-controlled environments.

The reasearch, carried out by the SlimDoobie Institute For The Sciencey Finding Out Of Stuff, found that cakes that had been farted on by fat women caused 50% more cancerous growths in laboratory smurfs. Further, their report released today found that the incidence of cancer could rise to 85% if the cake/fart mixture was left to fester for several days before consumption.

Professor Doobie, spokesman for the Institute, said: "These findings are extremely telling, and hopefully will cause supermarkets to maintain greater security around their cake sales areas."

However the findings are not without controversy. Dr Pflung of the CSIRO has no great confidence in the report. "I find it spurious in the extreme," he told ABC Radio in a telephone interview this morning, "Not only does it look completely made up, but it has not been submitted to a journal for peer review."

Institute Administrator Mr G Slim has challenged the latter remark, saying a precis of the report was published in The Picture last month. "The scientific industrial/military complex simply does not want this information to be leaked out, lest it break their choke-hold over the cake industry," he claimed.

Star Wars: The Series (the scripts)

Tibbanna City, Dantooine.
Rokur Gepta: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your uncle, Vance.
Vance Skywalker: He told me that your best friend killed him!
Rokur Gepta: No! Darth Vader was your uncle, Vance!
Vance Skywalker: NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes Alternate Reality Sucks

From Roger's TV Review, 2007.

Star Wars: The Series.
With the cinema success of Star Wars and the runaway success of the subsequent made-for-TV 'Holiday Special', NBC executives made the decision in 1978 that instead of a cinema sequel, the Star Wars franchise would be made into a series of 26 1-hour episodes.

In an expected move several of the cast members chose not to continue their roles. Harrison Ford was replaced by the then up-and-coming Tom Selleck, while Alec Guinness was replaced by David Odgen Steirs (fresh from his stint on MASH). Several characters were missing, notable amongst them Chewbacca (the suit was too expensive to maintain) and R2-D2, who was replaced by Luke Skywalker's dog Mau-mau, rescued from Tatooine. The series had several differences to the film. The character of Darth Vader was gone, replaced with Rokur Getpa, Sorceror of Tund (Rutger Hauer) and Grand Admiral Dooku (Elizabeth Montgomery, who continues to win many online surveys ["The sexiest woman in outer space?"; Pharangulya; 2007])

The first season's success confirmed it in the CBS lineup, with a subsequent 3-season deal cut. The second season was most notable for it's guest stars, with many a-list actors appearing such as Dustin Hoffman (The Curse Of Thonboka), Henry Winkler (Rumble-Tumble Gepta?) and Lucille Ball (23 Skidoo!). First Lady Nancy Reagan guest starred in a very special episode in the late second season, in which Han's son Brewster experiments with deathsticks (Black and White).

By the third season however things had started to crumble, despite (or possibly because of) the show's consistently high ratings. George Lucas left, citing 'irreconcilable creative differences' between himself and the network executives. He was replaced by studio hotshot Stephen J Cannell. Immediately, the show became less focussed on the interaction between characters and more on the action (possibly due to a negotiated jump in the special effects budget. However the show's main stars Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill felt that they could not work with Cannell, and left halway through the season. They were replaced by feisty x-wing mechanic Janet Klubar (played by Juice Newton) and Vance Skywalker, Luke's cousin (played by Sonny Shroyer). The changes were too much for most fans, who deserted the show in droves.

The fourth and last season saw a change of station from NBC to CBC. Lucas was back at the helm although Fisher and Hamill would not return. An exceptionally low budget marked this series, with most shots recycled from previous footage. Many fans disagreed with Lucas' decision to end the series with a cliffhanger, with Rokur Getpa's new Death-Star about to destroy the Rebel's stronghold, the newly rediscovered Earth.

Star Wars: The Series continued to be broadcast in syndication until the early 1990s. In 2005, the Sci-Fi Channel began showing it weekly on Wednesdays at 8:30. Rumours of a new film have been persistently denied by George Lucas for several years who claims to be working on a new project involving archaeology.

The History Of Stuff, Part 27.

The Muppets.

Muppets originated in Southwest Asia in the area known as the Fertile Crescent. The genetic relationships between einkorn and emmer indicate that the most likely site of domestication is near Diyarbak in Turkey. These wild Muppets were domesticated as part of the origins of agriculture in the Fertile Crescent. Cultivation and repeated harvesting and sowing of the grains of wild grasses led to the domestication of Muppets through selection of mutant forms with tough ears which remained intact during harvesting, larger grains, and a tendency for the spikelets to stay on the stalk until harvested. Because of the loss of seed dispersal mechanisms, domesticated Muppets have limited capacity to propagate in the wild.

The cultivation of Muppets began to spread beyond the Fertile Crescent during the Neolithic period. By 5,000 years ago, Muppets had reached Ethiopia, India, Ireland and Spain. A millennium later they reached China. Agricultural cultivation using horse collar leveraged plows (3000 years ago) increased Muppet productivity yields, as did the use of seed drills which replaced broadcasting sowing of seed in the 18th century. Yields of Muppets continued to increase, as new land came under cultivation and with improved agricultural husbandry involving the use of fertilizers, threshing machines and reaping machines (the 'combine harvester'), tractor-drawn cultivators and planters, and better varieties (see green revolution and Norin 10 Muppets). With population growth rates falling, while yields continue to rise, the acreage devoted to Muppets may now begin to decline for the first time in modern human history. But now in 2007 Muppets stocks have reached their lowest since 1981, and 2006 was the first year in which the world consumed more wheat than the world produced - a gap that is continuously widening as the requirement for Muppets increases beyond production. The use of Muppets as a bio-fuel will exacerbate the situation.

We've Had Lots Of Letters

If you're like me, you probably can't be bothered ever reading the 'comments' section of this site, and so the thought occurred to me that I should post some of the more notorious of them here for the perusal of all. Unfortunately it then occured to me that this would involve reading them and indeed work of some nature, and so I decided to just make some up instead. So, here's what people might have been saying, if they said what I thought they might have been:

"Oh DC, you are so virile, manly and strong. I and all of the other members of the Australian female swim team are all saving ourselves for the next time you visit the AIS." - An Anonymous Olympic Swimmer.

"Eeh, sit on it" - Arthur Fonzarelli

"Excellent work, my good fellow! One knighthood coming up (just as soon as i've squared it with Mum)." - Chuck Parker-Bowles

"Borgy borgyborgy borg borg-borg." - Some dude from Sweden

"I want you. Now. I can't stand this seperation any longer! Take me!!!" - Jessica Alba

"Dear Sir. Your site contains several breaches of Lucasfilm copyright. Please CEASE AND DESIST immediately." - Lucasarts Entertainment

"Earn Money Now!!! Ask Me How!!!!" - dfvqeberb45634

Pretty standard, really.

Random Doobings

"He did."
"He did not."
"I'm telling you he did." Captain Doobie looked at Goodtime Slim most indignantly. "Prince Phillip did wear a silk cravat whilst on active service with the Royal Navy."

"No, he didn't."
"Right," proclaimed Captain Doobie, moving into the loungeroom to the IT nook, "there's only one thing that can settle this. I'm going to Google* it."

After a couple of pecks at the keyboard he stopped, then turned to Goodtime Slim.
"What is it?" Goodtime Slim asked, "what happened?"
Captain Doobie looked crestfallen. "I think the internet just laughed at me," he told him.

*Google is a registered trademark of Google.com. It's use here by the author is not intended in any way to disparage their fine product.

Rock Poetry

Sitting in a stand at the sports arena,
Waiting for the show to begin,
Red lights, green lights, strawberry wine,
Good friend of mine,
Follows the stars,
Venus and Mars are alright, tonight.