Recently, a report that was made up by me came out to general acclaim in astrological circles, the gist of which was that if you were born in the Noarlunga area of Adelaide, SA, you were more likely to have been influenced by the gravitational pull of local buses than you were by the planets. The reasons for this are quite complicated and I choose not to go into them now because I don't feel like making them up. Suffice it to say that this report has revolutionised the astrological industry as we know it, and so i'd like to announce my new-look zodiac for 2008, based on the new completely correct theories.
722 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide, via States Rd (Mar 21 - April 19)
This year will be a year much like any other, except that at some point you will be mauled by a koala. It's likely that this will be a koala which is far angrier than the ordinary kind because it's been repeatedly poked with a broom. Sucks to be you.
720 - Marion to Adelaide Via Sir Donald Bradman Drive (Apr 20 - May 20)
Don't go outside on your birthday. I don't want to cause undue alarm, so that's all i'll say on the matter. The months leading up to your birthday should be alright, and telling you about the months after seems a bit cruel what with you likely to spend them in hospital and all. Whoops.
725 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via Flaxmill Rd (May 21 - June 21)
I don't care what anyone says, those Rick Parfitt-style white jeans look absolutely ridiculous. Burn them. Twice if necessary, or you'll be picked off by a sniper with a .50 cal. Twat.
721 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via South Rd (June 22 - July 22)
Fark. I'm not even going to tell you this one, but it involves a pole-jobbing.
734 - Noarlunga Centre to Marion via O'Sullivan's Beach (July 23 - August 22)
Buy lots of lottery tickets this year. You won't win or anything, but the constant crushing of your hopes and dreans should prove amusing to your family and 'friends'.
710 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide (after 6pm) (August 23 - September 22)
Your partner is having an affair: every single person born within these dates is being cheated on. I know it might seem a little far-fetched, but the buses have so ordained it. Don't argue with Dieselus or you shall bring forth his choking wrath! Wrath!!!!!
733 - Noarlunga Centre to Marion via Happy Valley (September 23 - October 22)
Say goodbye to the toes on your left foot. They will be severed at 3:14pm on Monday the 21st of January. I'm sorry I can't give you more details than that.
745 - Noarlunga Circle Line (anti-clockwise) (October 23 - November 21)
Under no circumstances should you consider flying to Melbourne to watch the Grand Prix. Nothing's actually going to happen, but i'm going and I don't want the entire trip ruined by sitting on a plane with a whole heap of people who have had their noses rotted away. On second thoughts, I probably should have mentioned the noses first thing off the bat. In any event, the nose 'thing' should happen early Februaryish. Buy tissues.
702 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via States Road (after 6pm) (November 22 - December 21)
You will have a fairly boring year all up, but eat more fruit to stave off scurvy.
743 - Noarlunga Centre to Hackham West (December 22 - January 19)
Avoid making any decisions whatsoever. You're already reading this drivel as if it's true or something, so you're off to a cracking start. And tuck your shirt in.
747 - Noarlunga Circle Line (Clockwise) (January 20 - February 18)
You're going to have a nasty incident with a piece of runaway farm machinery. It could be a combine harvester or it might be a monkey-spanker, the mystic veils are murky. It's probably not livestock, however.
713 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide (Weekends and Public Holidays) (February 19 - March 20)
You will change jobs 3 times this year, and careers twice. None of this will be of your own volition. Turkey.
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