The Time Detectives! (Part 4)

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Volkswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

At that, Joni started pedalling furiously, and with a soft ‘plop!’ of displaced air the tiger disappeared from the coliseum, much to the delight of the roaring crowd.

As soon as it had disappeared, it reappeared in the forum, right next to Simon and Garfunkel’s time-travelling Kombi, which had not been moved by the Romans because none of them could drive a manual. Immediately upon arrival all three soft-rockers jumped out of Joni’s tiger. Simon immediately went to work, searching the area for clues. While he looked at the ground around the chair where Julius Caesar had been sitting, Garfunkel snooped around at the seats of the senators. For her part, Joni reached inside the tiger, pulled out her trusty old guitar and played a swinging upbeat version of “Big Yellow Taxi”, which helped the swinging folk duo concentrate no end. After a bit, Garfunkel rejoined Simon by the Kombi.

“Right,” proclaimed the diminutive Simon, “as far as I can see, there’s only one clue.”
He scraped his finger along the ground and held it up for Garfunkel and Joni Mitchell to see. “Sand!” Joni cried, “but how…?”

“That’s not all,” Garfunkel told her with a wink and a grin, “the dust in front of every senator’s seat up there has been disturbed in a very regular pattern.”

“What pattern?” frowned Simon, the sleuthier of the two.
“Ah!” Garfunkel beamed, “the dust is all disturbed where every senator’s right foot was. It’s as if…as if…” he trailed off, unsure of what he wanted to say.

Simon, however, was able to pick it up. “It’s as if they were all tapping their feet at the same time!”
Simon whirled to face Garfunkel and Joni Mitchell. “Now, who do we know who could make an entire forum full of senators all tap their feet in time…”

“And is associated in some way with sand!” Garfunkel finished for him.
There was a short pause while they all had a jolly good think. Then, almost in unison, all three of the folk/pop crossover songsmiths looked at each other and cried:

“The Beach Boys!”

Noarlunga Astrology

Recently, a report that was made up by me came out to general acclaim in astrological circles, the gist of which was that if you were born in the Noarlunga area of Adelaide, SA, you were more likely to have been influenced by the gravitational pull of local buses than you were by the planets. The reasons for this are quite complicated and I choose not to go into them now because I don't feel like making them up. Suffice it to say that this report has revolutionised the astrological industry as we know it, and so i'd like to announce my new-look zodiac for 2008, based on the new completely correct theories.

722 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide, via States Rd (Mar 21 - April 19)
This year will be a year much like any other, except that at some point you will be mauled by a koala. It's likely that this will be a koala which is far angrier than the ordinary kind because it's been repeatedly poked with a broom. Sucks to be you.

720 - Marion to Adelaide Via Sir Donald Bradman Drive (Apr 20 - May 20)
Don't go outside on your birthday. I don't want to cause undue alarm, so that's all i'll say on the matter. The months leading up to your birthday should be alright, and telling you about the months after seems a bit cruel what with you likely to spend them in hospital and all. Whoops.

725 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via Flaxmill Rd (May 21 - June 21)
I don't care what anyone says, those Rick Parfitt-style white jeans look absolutely ridiculous. Burn them. Twice if necessary, or you'll be picked off by a sniper with a .50 cal. Twat.

721 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via South Rd (June 22 - July 22)
Fark. I'm not even going to tell you this one, but it involves a pole-jobbing.

734 - Noarlunga Centre to Marion via O'Sullivan's Beach (July 23 - August 22)
Buy lots of lottery tickets this year. You won't win or anything, but the constant crushing of your hopes and dreans should prove amusing to your family and 'friends'.

710 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide (after 6pm) (August 23 - September 22)
Your partner is having an affair: every single person born within these dates is being cheated on. I know it might seem a little far-fetched, but the buses have so ordained it. Don't argue with Dieselus or you shall bring forth his choking wrath! Wrath!!!!!

733 - Noarlunga Centre to Marion via Happy Valley (September 23 - October 22)
Say goodbye to the toes on your left foot. They will be severed at 3:14pm on Monday the 21st of January. I'm sorry I can't give you more details than that.

745 - Noarlunga Circle Line (anti-clockwise) (October 23 - November 21)
Under no circumstances should you consider flying to Melbourne to watch the Grand Prix. Nothing's actually going to happen, but i'm going and I don't want the entire trip ruined by sitting on a plane with a whole heap of people who have had their noses rotted away. On second thoughts, I probably should have mentioned the noses first thing off the bat. In any event, the nose 'thing' should happen early Februaryish. Buy tissues.

702 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via States Road (after 6pm) (November 22 - December 21)
You will have a fairly boring year all up, but eat more fruit to stave off scurvy.

743 - Noarlunga Centre to Hackham West (December 22 - January 19)
Avoid making any decisions whatsoever. You're already reading this drivel as if it's true or something, so you're off to a cracking start. And tuck your shirt in.

747 - Noarlunga Circle Line (Clockwise) (January 20 - February 18)
You're going to have a nasty incident with a piece of runaway farm machinery. It could be a combine harvester or it might be a monkey-spanker, the mystic veils are murky. It's probably not livestock, however.

713 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide (Weekends and Public Holidays) (February 19 - March 20)
You will change jobs 3 times this year, and careers twice. None of this will be of your own volition. Turkey.

From the Rome Times, Yesterday.

ROME: Authorities today called for calm in the Italian capital as rioting followed the news that Australian police had apprehended the Pope in Noarlunga, south of Adelaide, SA, and were holding him on charges of Causing A Public Nuisance.

Signor Capitane del Giovanni Bertorelli of the Italian Foreign Ministry told the crowd that the Pope had not been arrested, but an impostor claiming to be the Pope had.

"We-a heard that-a his holiness had-a been ayrrested in-a Adelayde but-a it turned out-a to be a hoax-a," he told the deeply religious crowd that had just laid waste to the entire Vatican.

While reports are still sketchy it appears that a man dressed as the Pope was attempting the make a home movie of himself defecating in the woods in his local area. While the reasons behind his behaviour are not known, local man Mr G Slim has been called in to identify the man.

Investigations are continuing.

Return Of The Jedi: The Lost Scripts

Death Star, Endor Orbit

Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours!
LS: Yeah? Well at least i'm not all horrid and wrinkly.
EP: Maybe not, but you whine like a 747.
LS: Ooh ooh, i'm so hurt. Wrinkly face! Wrinkly face!
EP: Am not!
LS: Are too!
R2D2: Bee-whoop?
Both: Shutup!
EP: Am not!
LS: Are too!
R2D2: Bee-whoop?
Both: Shut up!
Fade...

Later...
EP: Wabbit season!
LS: Duck season!
EP: Wabbit season!
LS: Duck season!
EP: Wabbit season!
LS: Wabbit season!
EP: Duck season! Vader, strike me down!
Lightsaber strike
Darth Vader: Um....
EP (reaching up and pinching out small flame on cowl): Let's try that again.

The Time Detectives! Part 3

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Vokswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

“That’s right,’ said the tiger, “now hold on!”
To Simon’s amazement and the crowd’s bloodthirsty delight, the tiger them swallowed the diminutive folk songsmith whole. Inside the tiger Simon found himself careening down a pitch-black slipperydip until he landed on a pile of mattresses and someone switched the lights on. When Simon looked around he saw that he was in a largish room that didn’t look at all like a tiger’s stomach ought to. In one corner, pedalling furiously upon an exercise bike with wires trailing of it sat Joni Mitchell, friend of both Simon and Garfunkel and regular performer at village gigs.

“Where are we?” Simon asked, looking around in amazement.
“Hello!” replied Joni Mitchell brightly, “this is my time-travelling tiger!”
“Wow! How does it all fit in?”
“More on that later. First, I’ve got to eat Garfunkel. You’d better get out of the way.”
As Joni Mitchell’s hands danced across the control panel in front of her, Simon scrambled hurriedly off of the mattresses. He did so not a moment too soon, as right away a rather bemused Garfunkel came rushing down the chute.

“Hi, Joni!” he cried, “I was wondering when you’d show up.”
Simon was dumbfounded. “You set all this up?” he asked in wonder.
“Sure,” Garfunkel replied, “when I got a moment after gladiator class, I put a note addressed to Joni inside an amphora.”

“Yes,” continued Joni, “and imagine my surprise when I was doing a gig in Rome in 1967 and stumbled across it during a tour of the Coliseum.  Immediately I began work on this time machine to rescue you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’ve got to get out of here.”

Joni began to program the coordinates for a safe return to the swinging sixties.
“Wait!” Simon said, “we can’t leave without the kombi! And,” he added, “There’s still the matter of who killed Julius Caesar to solve!”

The Time Detectives! Part 2

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Vokswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

Part 2: Soft-rockin' In The Free World.

"Hang on, daddy-o!" cried Simon, "but we only just got here! Everyone saw us."
Garfunkel added, "When was Big Julie knocked off?"
Mark Antony looked thoughtful. "About half an hour ago," he told them.
"Well," beamed Simon, ever the peacemaker, "it can't have been us then, can it."
But Mark Antony shook his head. "What with your bellbottoms, extravagantly long hair and light-harmonic vocal stylings, you can only be from the late 1960s. And that means that you must have a time machine, so you very well could have done it! Take them away!"

Before the best-selling folk duo could say 'pretty-pretty-peggy-o' they were whisked away to the dungeons of the colliseum, where they were forced to train as gladiators. While Garfunkel's superior reach enabled him to give a good account of himself with a trident, Simon was forced to rely on his net-throwing skills and a small dagger. The long-haired trendsetters trained for several weeks. Once, while they were in the Gladiator referctory, Simon lost his nerve.

"I don't see how we're ever going to get out of here," he said before he was pushed out of his seat by a large burly man from Andalusia.

Garfunkel wished he had had more time to buck his spirits up by telling him about the plan he had set in motion, but he had been unable to before they were hustled out before the waiting crowds, to duel for the amusement of the crowds.

As they went together so well even the Romans could see that they were an effective double act, so they paired them up together to fight the biggest, meanest lion either of them had ever seen. Garfunkel immediately rushed in with his trusty trident, but he was batted away with one large paw. The lion pounced on Simon, pinning him to the ground. "Please don't hurt me, Mr Lion!" he wailed.

Then a voice from within the lion said, "Don't worry, i'm here to rescue you."
Simon looked very confused. "Wait a minute," he declared, "that sounds like Joni Mitchell!"

The Time Detectives (An Exciting New Adventure Serial For Boys)

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Vokswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

Part One: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To The Forum.

One evening after a particularly haunting rendition of ‘Bleeker Street’, Simon and Garfunkel decided to visit ancient Rome. They jumped into their trusty Kombi, Garfunkel dialled in the year Zero, then popped the clutch, and hung ten down the time stream to Imperial Rome.

The psychedelic time-kombi burst into the forum in a blast of mellow vibes. Behind the wheel Garfunkel piloted it to a halt while Simon had a look around.

“Hey man, they all look really heavy,” Simon said.
Garfunkel peered out through the love beads that surrounded the windscreen. “All those senators?” he asked, “Yes, they do.”

After its unexpected arrival the kombi had been expertly surrounded by pilum-wielding Praetorian Guards.
“I wonder what’s wrong?” muttered a very puzzled Simon.
Garfunkel, as well as being the tallest and curliest-of-hair, had always been the more adventurous of the two. “There’s only one way to find out,” he declared, “Let’s ask them!”

Garfunkel leapt out of the Kombi and immediately sought out the most important looking person he could find.
“My name is Marc Antony,” the big Roman declared, “and you’re under arrest for the murder of Julius Caesar!”

Why I Have Never Seen "Miss Saigon".

1. Things that rhyme with 'Vietnam':
        Diet Spam
        Diver Dan
        Green Eggs and Ham
       
2. Things that rhyme with 'Saigon':
        Ride-on
        Hi Mom
        Qui-Gonn

I don't see how this could possibly make for a good musical.