Staff Memo

To: All Temple Staff
From: Jedi Council
Re: Possible Sith Infiltration
Date: 25/10/29 years before Battle Of Yavin

Due to the recent events on Naboo it has come to the attention of the Jedi Council that our old enemy the Sith have returned. Whie Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan have dealt with one of them the other remains at large. To aid in the detection of this individual, the Jedi Council have consulted the Sith Holocrons and have proposed the following checklist for Sith-spotting:

1. Cackling
2. An unpleasant odour
3. Yellow eyes
4. Big robes
5. Difficulty breathing for some reason (possibly the odour)
6. Sneaking around
7. Not using the Force very nicely
8. Red lightsaber

The last one is probably your best bet at this stage, although we realise that by the time you've actually seen the colour of the blade you'll either be dead or you'll have solved the problem for us.

That is all.

P.s. could the Padawans please quit it with the stupid Jar-Jar impersonations? It's driving us bantaka-poodoo up here. Sheesh.

Around The Courts

NOARLUNGA - Magistrate R Farchly today presided over the litigation case of C Doobie v Mercantile Alliance. In the case, C Doobie was suing his insurer, Mercantile Alliance, for the sum of 6 million dollars after Mercantile Alliance had failed to compensate him for the loss of his business in a recent, extremely localised earthquake.

Mr Doobie's business, the Captain Doobie Etch-A-Sketch Art Gallery, was claimed by him to contain many works of art of 'priceless value and artistic merit' which were completely lost in the event.

Mercantile Alliance corporate lawyers alleged that they had not paid Mr Doobie's claim as he was never registered as a customer with them, had never made a premium payment, and was completely unknown to them in any sense of the word.

Mr Doobie's star witness, distinguished Kerplunkistani art critic Sheik G Slim, failed to arrive in court. Mercantile Alliance moved to dismiss.

The case continues tomorrow.

True Or False:

1. Geese are the only birds that can fly backwards.
2. The world record for stuffing fun-sized Mars Bars up someone else's nose is 27.
3. The Ancient Greeks invented gunpowder by rubbing a rabbit with a glass rod.
4. NASA accidentally left a stapler on the moon in 1971.
5. Fish are legal tender in Samoa.
6. Hair continues to grow while you are asleep.
7. All artillery pieces in the British Army still have the capacity to fire cannonballs.
8. All GPS devices are slightly incorrect as they fail to take into account continental drift.
9. The Chrysler Corporation once designed a car to run on sea water.
10. There were 25 confirmed sightings of Wombles in suburban London last year.

Answers:
(1:T, 2:T, 3:F, 4:maybe, 5:T, 6:don't know, 7:duh, 8:yes, 9:T, 10:F)

Gettin' political

Recently, I recieved a veritable flood of mail from the major political parties outlining their policies for the upcoming Federal Election. However, none of them failed to state the information I most wanted to know. So, I sent each of them an idiosyncratic variation on the following letter:

* * *

[Candidate's name],

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the policies of the [candidate's party]. However, I wonder if you (or an aide) could take the time to answer a few further questions regarding [party] policy which were not mentioned in the document I was sent?

1. What is the [party] policy regarding the seperation of Church and State?
2. Do religious beliefs influence any part of [party] policy?
3. What is the [party] policy regarding the teaching of evolution in schools?
4. What is the [party] policy on state funding of religious institutions (educational or otherwise)?

These are matters which are most important to me. Please note that your reply (or lack thereof) may be posted on my website www.captaindoobie.blogspot.com in an effort to enlighten the public about your policies in these regards. Please note that emails asking the same questions have been sent to all major parties standing in the constituency of Kingston, SA. All parties will be treated equally upon publication.

Thank you for your time,

D C White

* * *

Let's see what happens now! Any results will be posted here in due course.

New Novel Idea

A-capella Archipelago A-go-go: Follows the lives and loves of an itinerant singing troupe as they seek their fortunes in the Bismark Archipelago in 1914. There's Piter, the leader, whose rugged good looks cause friction between the soprano Maria and the tenor Gretchen. The bass, Helmuth, is a moody Prussian whose Schlager scars hide a terrible secret.

Despite this the troupe lead an idyllic existence in the South Pacific. However, when war breaks out the Eidelweiss Singers are forced to confront their pasts, become involved with diamond smugglers and steal a floatplane.

An Open Letter To The Manufacturers Of Life Savers

Dear Mr Nestle (if that is your real name),

This morning I purchased a roll of life savers, and was aghast to discover that instead of being randomly inserted, each flavour was arranged in a sub-grouping.

This, sir, is nothing but plain old-fashioned communism, and it will not stand. Not while I draw breath. Please randomise the order of your confectionery immediately, or the repercussions shall be unpleasant.

Yours,

Mr D C White, esq.

Story #7

The sea, magestic and eternal, remained unchanged while ironically, Cliff wavered. It wasn't the first time he'd played to a packed stadium at Bumthwistle-on-Kent, and if he had anything to say about it, it wouldn't be the last.

Cliff Richard sat and stared out the window at the gently rolling sea as he tried to decide which song to open with. Through the dressing room door he could hear the screams of the crowd. It didn't help. The support act 'Blodwyn Pig' had done it's thing and departed, and now the crowd were baying for Cliff. From what he could make out,  about half of the crowd were chanting for 'Devil Woman', while the other half seemed quite passionate about 'Wired For Sound'. Decisions decisions.

Cliff sat and stared at the sea for a long moment more, then his mind sharpened. The decision was made, come what may. He pulled on his white jacket, ran a hand through his hair for luck, and walked out onto the stage.

Star Wars: The Lost Scripts (cont.)

Death Star Bridge, almost at Yavin

Chief Bast: Sir, we've analysed their attack and there is a weakness. Should we evacuate?
Grand Moff Tarkin: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.
CB: Yes. Yes of course. Silly, really. Don't know what came over me.
GMT: Good. Now get back to work.
CB: Yes, of course, of course. (checks watch) Woah, is that the time? Well, must dash.
GMT: Where are you going?
CB: Um...dentist appointment...didn't I tell you? Only i've got this damn molar...
GMT: This dentist wouldn't be anywhere near the escape pods, would it?
CB: No! I mean, of course not. Really! Anyhoo, i'll just be off...
GMT: Stay where you are. Find a place to sit and make yourself useful.
(pause)
GMT: Somewhere other than the seat closest to the door.
CB: Sorry.
GMT: Now, where were we? Oh yes, you may fire when rea...WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?
CB: Cake in the lunchroom? It's my birthday.
GMT: Oh, right. Fine. Bring me back a piece.

Story #6

Alberton Ward had the kind of face one would normally expect to see attached to a recently smacked arse. He was not a nice man, being particularly cruel to children and the elderly, which he felt bookended the process of life nicely.

Alberton lived by himself in a walk-up flat in the inner city. Every day as he walked home from the bus stop, he passed a children's playground, scowling as he did so. Alberton never noticed at first, but next to the footpath, there began to grow a small green shoot. Every day this sloot grew taller and taller, until it was the height of a man. Strangely, though Alberton began to notice it as it got larger, no-one else ever did, and it continued to grow unmolested.

One day, Alberton alighted the bus and saw that the shoot, which had been budding for about a week, had burst forth into a large flower, the petals of which held all the colours of the rainbow. As he saw the flower, Alberton stopped. Something inside him broke, and he knelt down on the footpath in front of the flower and wept. As he wept, a crowd gathered, humbled at the sight of a man openly weeping for no aparrent reason. Alberton looked up and saw them and cried, "Can't you see it? Can't you see the colours?" but none of them knew what he was talking about, as there was no flower there for them to see, and there never had been.

Story #5

If only she had remembered the Polynesian lessons, none of this would have happened. However, Penelope reminded herself, there was certainly no sense in crying over spilt milk. She simply couldn't speak Polynesian, and that was that. Of course, if she had been able to speak Polynesian she probably wouldn't have just been thrown into the crater of a volcano on a remote south-sea island, or at least she didn't think that she would have.

Focus, she told herself. Why think about this rubbish in the last few seconds of your life? The wind rushed past her as her elliptical tragectory steepened. Wasn't your life supposed to flash before your eyes or something? Penelope was really rather grateful that it didn't, to be honest. There were several things she'd rather not see again, frankly, at least not in the last few seconds that seperated her from the waiting, seething mass of lava below.

Bother, she thought, dying certainly isn't all it's cracked up t

Random Doobings

*apologies for the lack of posting recently, but I was struck by lightning, and etc.*

Captain Doobie and Goodtime Slim had just settled themselves down at the outdoor cafe to enjoy the afternoon sunshinje when their revelry was interrupted by the manager.

"Hey!" he called, "you can't sit there!"
Goodtime Slim eyed the man cooly. "And why not, pray?" he asked.
"Because it's for patrons only, that's why."
Captain Doobie gave the matter his usual amount of thought, that is to say: none.
"What's a patron?" he asked Goodtime Slim.
"It's someone who patronises," he was told.
"Oh, well, in that case, what a clever little cafe it is indeed, isn't it? Eh? Isn't it? Ooh, I could just gobble it up, I really could." Captain Doobie leveled his gaze at the manager, "now piss off."