Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Power Of Books

The Power Of Books

As an author (humiliatingly as-yet-unplublished though I may be) I occasionally am reminded of just why I like books so much.

During my formative years I was very much into all things military. I was lucky that both my school library and the local Noarlunga Library had a very wide selection of the books of Leo Kessler. Leo Kessler's books (particularly his long-running series: SS Battalion Wotan) were pulp, pure and unadulterated. Kessler (a pseudonym of Charles Whiting) had fought in WW2, then became an author and wrote novels which from his wartime experiences held a ring of truth, something sadly lacking in similar authors such as Sven Hassel.

Before his death late last year Kessler/Whiting wrote more than 350 books, all of them thin, cheap and of dubious artistic merit. They were, however, fun. My favorites will always remain the SS Batallion Wotan series. Loosely based upon the real-life SS Wiking Batallion, Wotan was the WW2 equivalent of Harry Flashman, although in a more serious vein. Wotan served on every concievable front during WW2, and were then recruited by the French for Foreign Legion duties well into the 1950s. While as in real life the characters changed, one man remained. Though his commanding officer may have started as Major Geier in Poland, became Kuno Von Dodenburg during Barbarossa and ended as Karl Shirmer in the trackless deserts of Algeria, Sergeant Schulze and his overactive 'fart-cannon' lived on. Flunkies like Corporal Matz, White Lightning, Pansy Petersen and Spider-Arse came and went, but through it all Sergeant Schulze WAS Wotan.

In all there were about 40 SS Batallion Wotan books, and recently I had the pleasure of stumbling across one in a secondhand store that I had never before read, "Schirmer's Death Legion", which leads me to the point of this post. Reading the book, it became obvious that it was the last of the WOTANs. Set in Algeria in 1953 during the rebellion, it became obvious that Kessler intended for this to be WOTAN's last stand. Once I realised this, something incredible happened. I've always considered the WOTAN books to be trash but i've been reading them since I was about 13, which means that Sgt Schulze and the rest have been a part of my life for (saints preserve us) 18 years now. So when it became obvious that this was the last hurrah, the book became a real heart-pumping page-turner as I almost shouted "Don't you dare kill off Schulze, you bastard!" while reading it in the middle of Nandos. I was late to my theatre show because I had to finish it, I couldn't put it down until it was over. It seems amazing to me that something so pulp could elicit such a stong reaction, and I guess i'm forced now to re-evaluate the 'artistic merit' of the series. It taught me something about the impact of books. Whether they're well written or poorly scribbled, even the most violent and blatantly venal can lodge there in your heart and stay put forever.

Oh, and I suppose you'll want to know whether Schulze died in the end. Tough luck. I'll leave that to you to find out :o)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Random Doobings

Random Doobings

Captain Doobie surveyed Goodtime Slim's handiwork with a critical eye.
Ooooookayyy," he said, trying to sound knowledgeable, "we've got the dips, the jatz, the little carrot sticks, the drinks are in the fridge, and...hang on."

He turned to Goodtime Slim and pointed at the coffee table accusingly. "What's this?"
Godtime Slim lookerd around him. "Sweets," he replied.
"Yes," said Captain Doobie slowly, as if he was talking to someone who was mentally retarded, "What sort of sweets are they?"

"Um, Anzac biscuits."
"Anzac biscuits and...?"
"Um, Turkish Delight."
Captain Doobie threw up his hands to the heavens. "What on earth are you doing?" he cried, "we can't let them eat that! Can you imagine what will happen in their stomachs?"

"Each well-chewed morsel will slowly digest?" asked Goodtime Slim, nonplussed by all the theatrics.
"No, you fool, it'll be the Dardanelles campaign all over again!"
"Crap."
"Oh really? Then why are those two Anzac buscuits currently kicking the shit out of that bit of Turkish Delight that accidentally fell off the plate?"

Goodtime Slim was forced to admit that in this instance there seemed to be no logical explanation.

Friday, February 15, 2008

How Stuff Works

How Stuff Works

Today is the 15th of February. Every 15th of February Candlemas is celebrated throughout Eastern Europe and it's affilliates. But exactly what is Candlemas, and why is it so important?

Well, i'm glad you asked.

Candlemas came about as a direct result of the bubonic plague, or Black Death of the 1300s. Prior to this Europe had experienced two centuries of unparallelled mild weather, due to the Smurf's defeat of Gargamel at the Battle of Gargamel's Castle (1076AD) which resulted in the lifting of sullen rainclouds which had heretofore covered the entire continent. This mild weather combined with the realisation that cattle could be eaten instead of cattle dung (as had previously been the belief) led to a population explosion. This in turn led to a flowering of education and an increase in literacy. The newly literate population combined with a well-fed peasantry meant that candles (which at the time were composed entirely of ear-wax) were more and more plentiful, but also more and more in demand.

The onset of the Black Death in the 1300s did not kill populations indiscriminately. The dearth of farm labourers in it's aftermath pushed food production to it's lowest ever recorded rate. Scholars, by virtue of their more solitary existence, were more numerous amongst the survivors. The high demand for candles combined with an extremely malnourished population (who produced no ear-wax and hence, no candles) caused the price of candles to skyrocket. Patriarch Antiolopoulos Nicodemus of Constantinople took drastic steps and stockpiled all of the available candles in the land, parcelling them out to those scholars most in need. As the effects of the Black death wore off candle output rose such that the mass of available candles in Eastern Europe reached it's previous nadir within a century. When this was realised the church was able to sell off it's remaining stockpile and buy a speedboat. Ever since, the day of the selloff (February 15th) has been celebrated as 'Candlemas'.