Future Novel Ideas

1. The Widgets In Spring.
Follows the lives and loves of a family of canines in a world where everyone is canines except for the army, who are all felines. Youngest Widget boy wants to become a member of the SAS. Fight for justice ensues.

2. The Remarkable Mr Clandestine.
ASIS agent is actually a shape-shifting dragon, as are all enemy agents. Battles ensue over ancient burial ground at Uluru.

3. The Howard Stone.
University Professor learns that the gemstones mentioned in Robert E Howard's "Hyborian Age" mythos are real. Battling enemy agents and the sinister Brotherhood Of The Wulf he finds them all.

4. The Miners Are Revolting!
Comedy set in and around the Eureka Stockade. Lots of people hunting for legendary gold strike. Merely a vehicle for puerile dick jokes ala the 'Carry On' series.

How To Build An Atomic Bomb

That's right: the hoopla about there being plans to build an atom bomb on the internet were quite real, I assure you. What's more, they can be found right here.

1. First, gather together a great many atoms. Uranium atoms are best, but if you have any spare plutonium or deuterium lying about the house this will do in a pinch. At this stage your atoms will be in a big fudgy mess a bit like play dough that glows in the dark.

2. Next you will need to build a very large complex in the Nevada Desert known as The Manhattan Project. This may take some time, so here's one I prepared earlier.

3. The next step, aparrently, is to find a dragon and tickle it. To be honest I suspect this bit might be made up. But i'm sure it's all very scientific.

4. For the final step you will need a Boeing B-29 Superfortress. These can be expensive to buy and if you're going to build one yourself get a big person to help you with the welding.

Congratulations! You now have your very own atom bomb with which to subjugate the nations of Earth into your new world order (except for everyone else who also has one).

DC's tip: It might be best if after you drop the bomb you could come up with a mournful saying quoted from ancient Vedic texts to show that in a split second you've changed your mind and now regret your life's work. Extra points will be awarded if this quote is later incorporated into a semi-religious ceremony involving Minbari on Babylon 5.

Frankly, A Rather Contrived Scenario.

Can you imagine what would happen if two brothers (a carpenter and a hypochondriac) lived together and somehow their mail got all mixed up, sending the carpenter to the doctor when he thought he was going to see his accountant. I think it might go something like this:

Carpenter: Hello.
Doctor: Hello, Mr Umbruglia. Do take a seat.
Carpenter: Thank you. What did you want to see me about?
Doctor: There's no use beating about the bush, Mr Umbruglia. It's about your stools.
Carpenter: What about them?
Doctor: I've examined a sample and I'm afraid that I can't find anything wrong with them.
Carpenter: I should think not!
Doctor: Well there's no need to be like that.
Carpenter: I'll have you know that my stools are the talk of the town!
Doctor: What? How very strange.
Carpenter: I've left three in the local pub so far and everyone who's seen them says they're spectacular.
Doctor: Do you usually er 'leave' your stools in the pub?
Carpenter: No, not usually, but recently there was a fracas and the publican asked me if I could come around and supply him with some more.

Doctor: A fracas?
Carpenter: Aparrently some patrons got out of line and started throwing their stools around!
Doctor: Thank heavens i'm not a drinker. Mr Umbruglia, how would you say you are at making stools?
Carpenter: I can make three or four a day if i'm lucky.
Doctor: Really? That many?
Carpenter: Of course, it's the shellacking that takes the time.
Doctor: I beg your pardon?
Carpenter: Well you have to shellac them, don't you, otherwise they won't last very long.
Doctor: No, I suppose not. Do you have any difficulty producing them?
Carpenter: No, I just pop them out easy.

I could go on all day, but I won't.

The real truth, at last:

Dear Rudolph,

It has been brought to the attention of the North Pole Sporting and Recreation Committee Board of Enquiry that a urine sample returned by you after a recent game of Hoofball contained substantial amounts of phosphorous. As I believe you are well aware phosphorous is listed as a banned substance by the IOC.

As such, as a representative of the North Pole Sporting and Recreation Committee I must inform you that you are hereby banned from participating in any future Reindeer Games.

The board's decision is final and no appeal may be entered into.

Yours,

Dasher

Random Doobings

Panting hard, Captain Doobie and Goodtime Slim ran out of the front doors of the RSL hall. They sprinted down the road, eventually taking shelter in a nearby alleyway. Captain Doobie listened out for the sounds of any octogenarian pursuit, then gave Goodtime Slim the all-clear.

When he'd got his breath back, Goodtime Slim said, "What the hell was that?"
"What?" replied Captain Doobie, the very picture of innocence, "You told me to create a diversion."
"Yes, because we were being beaten badly at bingo by old ladies and I thought it best that we leave unnoticed with our dignity intact."

"Oh."
"Yes, 'oh' indeed. I didn't mean that you should stand up on the table, scream out 'Hey, isn't that Daniel O'Donnell!' then kick over the wire cage thingie with all of the numbers inside!"

Captain Doobie was nonplussed. "Well, it worked," he reminded him.
"Yes, well, that's beside the point," Goodtime Slim grimbled.

I'm officially chuffed

Yes, I tell you, chuffed.
If, in your e-travels you happen along to the wikipedia site, please take a look at the entry for The Wombles, and you will find (under 'In Popular Culture') an entry detailing Captain Doobie's calculations of brake womblepower.

And that means it's all true and it really happened.

The Passing Of A Titan...not.

Yes, i'll admit that my first reaction to the news that channel 10 has axed Big Brother was one of unrestrained joy. The sheer pleasure I have gained in the last 8 years by simply not watching it cannot possibly equal the relief that I will now get from not having to be inundated with pop-culture references to it.

I do have to thank BB in a small way though. My first iPod was purchased deliberately so I didn't have to listen to the inane, facile dribblings of the contestants whilst I exercised at the gym of an evening. I suppose they get the kudos for that. I also have to thank them for gaining the 'turkey slap' national prominence. I had been using the term for some months previously (thanks to the invaluable Roger's Profanisaurus in Viz Magazine) and it was helpful to not have to explain what it meant every time the vicar came around to tea.

However, what concerns me most is that (as far as pop-culture has made me aware) the current season has not yet finished. This means that there may be as many as nine people (and one dwarf, aparrently) still in the house. I'm also reliably informed that Pamela Anderson and Corey McTwattington may be inside.

So here's my proposal for Channel 10: By all means shut off the power and water and stop the food deliveries, but please tell the contestants that there's been a nuclear war, and for heaven's sake leave the cameras running!!! I want to see Corey drinking out of the toilet while the house turns into something out of Mad Max 2. They've already got one half of Master Blaster, for heaven's sake. That Big Brother should end in a post-apocalyptic war zone is something that i'm very much in favour of.

I'm sure there'd be a great deal of support out there for this proposal.

Random Doobings

CINC-PAC HQ,
US Navy
Pearl Harbour
Oahu Island
Hawaii, United States of America.

Captain Doobie,
C/o 'The Cloisters'
Morphett Vale SA 5162
Australia

Dear Captain Doobie,

I refer to your letter of the 1st of June 2008, in which you replied to my earlier letter in which I explained in some detail that the US Navy does not allow foreign nationals (especially those of dubious naval rank) to hire the services any kind of nuclear subsurface vessel. I again reiterate to you that this has been our longstanding policy.

While I had felt I had made this policy abundantly clear it appears that you are still in some doubt as to its veracity. To give reply to the point amply illustrated (with diagrams) in your second letter, the US Navy will not consider a change in this policy for the purposes of personal revenge. The US Navy is not a mercenary force and does not attack small shorefront fish and chip shops, no matter how much these shops may have overcharged you. On a personal note I would like to say that I have never tried vinegar on fries but I can only imagine that to be charged for it yet not recieve it would not be such a hinderance that a military strike was required as restitution.

Further, I would also like to notify you that the Commander In Chief (Pacific Fleet) would like to know where you got his personal phone number, and he has asked me to convey a message to you: should you persist in wasting US Navy time and resources the next reply you recieve will be taped to the nosecone of an incoming Polaris.

Yours,

Hyman T Spunkfelcher
Secretary, Commander In Chief US Navy Pacific Fleet

What Really Grinds My Gears

As an unpublished author it continually irks me that no-one ever asks me where I get my ideas from. I'd love to spin some wonderfully dry story about class struggle, teapots and dung, but then turn around and admit that I don't have the foggiest idea where it came from.

Take my latest. What would happen if an evil organisation subcontracted for a large evil lair to be built, and then discovered that they'd forgot to mention that it was an evil organisation only for midgets? They'd need to have little stepladders next to all of the doorhandles and light switches, and the evil leader would be constantly going on about how he didn't see the plans first.

I have no idea where that came from, but i'll be using it.