Truth, Stranger Than Fiction

This morning I recieved a request from the smokers at work to give them an area under cover to smoke in. At present all they have is chairs and tables out in the open, and they are worried about skin cancer.

Random Doobings

"Thank you Professor Hawkings for that wonderful lecture that finally links Black Holes, String Theory and a General Theory of Everything. Before we award you The Best Nobel Prize Ever, I would like to invite questions from the assembly. Does anyone have a question for Professor Hawkings? Yes, you, the chap in the fringe jacket and Mr T t-shirt."

"My cat's arse tastes like cat shit. Is that normal?"

Star Wars: The Lost Scripts Continued....

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

pause
Luke Skywalker: My Auntie Myrtle lives there, you know.
Obi-Wan: Oh. Well, let's get going. Alderaan's not going to come to us, heh heh.
Luke: Are you saying that Auntie Myrtle is scummy and villainous?
pause
Obi-Wan: No. Yes. A bit. Hurry up.
Luke: How dare you! You've never even met her!
Obi Wan: Oh for f*cks sake. OK, i'm sure she's quite nice.
Luke: She breeds cats.
Obi-Wan: Cats of scum and villainy?
Luke: NO!
Obi-Wan: F*ck. Wait, is that a Tusken Raider behind that rock? I suppose we'd best be going...
Luke (under breath): Old coot.
Obi-Wan (under breath): Little sh*t.

Something To Say To The Greens

I keep getting emails from people on the subject of global warming, wanting me to sign petitions to make Australia sign the Kyoto Protocol. I'm sick of tyipng out my standard response, so i'm going to post it here, then simply redirect the ignorant.

Put simply, for the sake of the planet neither the US nor Australia should sign the Kyoto Protocol until everyone else has first. And before people start accusing me of killing panda bears, i'll explain why.

Australia and Uhmurka are first world countries. Both have very CO2 efficient production methods already thanks to 20 years of environmental watchdogging. The only way that Australia and Uhmurka can further reduce their CO2 output is to reduce their fossil fuel usage.

This seems like a good thing, but in the global oil market the resulting contraction in demand will lead to a lower price for fossil fuels. Again, you say, where's the problem?

The problem is that a lower fuel price will cause other nations, particularly those of the third world, to increase their usage. These industries are very much less 'clean' than those of the US and Australia. They produce, per litre of oil, far more pollutants. For every litre of oil that Australia and Uhmurka no longer use, there will be a per capita INCREASE in emitted pollutants.

In short, if Australia and the US sign the Kyoto Protocol, net world pollution will rise. It is imperative that the countries of the third world and their emergent economies are made to control their emissions first. Only then can Australia and the US sign the Kyoto Protocol without making things worse.

Idol Idle After Board Ruling

SYDNEY - Australian Idol winner Anthony Callea's hopes of becoming gay were dashed this morning after a special sitting of the Gay Board Of Enquiry (GayBOE) ruled his application "invalid at this time".

When questioned, GayBOE chairman Sir Percy McBottytamper stated the board had felt the number of high-profile celebrities currently involved in gayness was simply too high. "We are dealing with a high-demand situation," he told reporters on the steps of Pink House, "and we simply have too many mincing singers already."

"In today's world, being gay is a big business," said Cyril Felch, Head of the Australian Fruit Market Dating Agency, "and there's not enough room at the top. They've already got Elton, Julian Clary and Bob Downe, how many more entertainers do they need?"

In a prepared statement Anthony Callea said that he was "shocked and disheartened" by the GayBOE decision, but has vowed to maintain the pressure. Reports indicate that he was last seen being consoled by previous rejectees George Michael and Sir Cliff Richard.

You might be a bogan Jedi if.

…your lightsaber came from K-mart.
…your X-wing has mags and a stick on hood scoop.
…you bought a Holden robe when you went to the podracing on Malastaire.
…your X-wing has more than 4 McDonalds bags on the floor.
…you use your Artoo unit to open your Woodstock & Coke.
…you wear special Jedi trackies.
…you use the force to cultivate a Boonie.
…your snowspeeder is up on blocks in your front yard.
…you have to face Darth Vader to find out who your father is.

Random Doobings

"Oh!" said the President over the phone, "Well if you're not a real Captain, may I ask what you were doing on or about the 11th of September 2001?"

"Nothing," replied Captain Doobie, "I was unemployed."
The President smiled down the phone line, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "Oh, well wasn't that convenient?"
"It was actually," replied Captain Doobie, "I live just down the road from the dole office."

Taking a Break

The recuperative powers of motorsport are well known amongst the medical fraternity, or at least those of the medical fraternity that I choose to regard with any certainty. As such, i've decided to have a break and head to Melbourne to see the Grand Prix. As i'll be away from work this means that the internet will just have to be impertinent without me for a while, and I bid you all a fond farewell.*

*Except for those of you I don't like. Which is most of you. Well, all of you really I suppose. Except for any jugged up birds who might be reading. Damn. Oh well, get stuffed then.

Taking A Stand

Something has been really bothering me lately, and that's the opposition to the Clipsal 500. Now, as a motorsport fan, i'm used to being treated with condescension by everyone who mistakenly considers themselves my intellectual superior, so i've decided to give them something to think about.

They want to move the Clipsal because it uses the parklands and it blocks off public roads? Here's a list of other activities that do either one, the other, or both:

Womadelaide
The Garden Of Unearthly Delights
Schutzenfest
Glendi
Carnevale
The Tour Down Under
Cirque de Solieil
The Lovely Staurday Market In Rundle St

If people would like to get rid of the Clipsal, then stop being two-faced and start campaigning to get rid of these other events too. People's blindness towards these other events' usage of the parklands/public roads leads me to believe that these aspects are merely excuses to disguise their real intent: that they can't stand to see people of a percieved lower social class than themselves enjoying something that they don't like. Get off your high horse and live and let live! Australia was meant to be a classless society. If you want a return to Victorian English values, don't expect me to start doffing my hat and bowing when you go past. The parklands are for everybody, paid for by everybody, not just a self-percieved elite. Get used to it. Oh, and stop physically attacking people in Rundle Mall while you're at it. Animals.

I Don't Understand People Sometimes.

People certainly can be two-faced at times. I wish they'd say what they actually mean. Take this morning, for example. Now, i'm always being told to be truthful (maintain 'probity' and resist 'graft and corruption') and I try to. This morning, one of the shop floor plebs comes up and asks me why I buy them such crappy pens. So I told him the truth, and said it was probably because I got all my personal pens given to me by sales reps, so I couldn't really be stuffed what the rest of them used. And he got all affronted! Honestly, what's a Purchasing Officer to do?

My Favorite Quotes

Oh dear, I appear to have been tagged by Organiser Girl to provide my favorite 5 quotes, so here goes:

"Michael Schumacher would do well to remember that to finish first you first have to finish, and what's more you have to finish first." - Murray Walker

"When I was a kid, growing up in Italy, I used to dream of driving a big red Ferrari, and winning races all over the world. I never thought it was going to happen to me. But it did." - Mario Andretti

"I am the last Gladiator, in the last Rome." - Evel Kinevel

"Perhaps the good old-fashioned family values of the gibbons should be pointed out to the 'moral majority'. Of course, to draw any moral would be to commit the 'naturalistic fallacy', but then fallacies are what these people do best." - Richard Dawkins, "The Ancestor's Tale"

"You're the new Squadron Commander. Don't think it means anything, because it doesn't. It means you're the new Squadron Commander." - Colonel Cathcart to Major Major Major Major, "Catch-22"

Random Doobings

Goodtime Slim balanced the tray of champagne flutes precariously as he adjusted his bow tie and attempted to walk from one side of the ballroom to the other. As he picked his way through the crowd the tray got lighter until, when he was very nearly at the door, a familiar voice said, "I say, is there no more bubbly?"

Goodtime Slim turned to find the largest pair of ears he'd ever seen.
"Prince Charles!" he cried in surprise.
"Why yes," replied the slightly bemused Prince of Wales.
"Hang on," said Goodtime Slim, "i'll grab some more champagne in a minute but first, there's something I have to know."
"Yes? What's that?"
"What the hell is it with you and Camilla? I mean, Diana was a right little hornbag, but Camilla? What on earth were you thinking?"

The Prince looked sheepish. 'Yes, I know," he said in a small voice, "I certainly had the sherry monocle on that night."