Random Doobings

Captain Doobie,
The Cloisters
Morphett Vale SA 5162

Dear Captain,

Thank you for your recent inquiry. SAPOL are always looking for new ways in which to liase with the community and we woud be delighted to supply you with the projections you requested.

To summarise your request, here is your list of personalities, accompanied by the reward for the theoretical kidnappers, should they be apprehended:

Anne Wills: $5000
Ugly Dave Grey: $3500
Humphrey B Bear: $7500
HRH Elizabeth Windsor: $1m
Jean Luc Picard: $60000
The Goodies: $10000
Chilly Billy, The Little Man Who Lives In The Fridge: $200
Arnold Schwarzenegger: $750000
Lucille Ball: $20

I hope this has been of some assistance.

Yours,

Chief Inspector Slaptard
SAPOL Customer Relations (Gulag)

p.s. SAPOL would like to remind members of the general public that kidnapping is not a very nice thing to do.

Things I Could Do Better Than An Austrian

By J Stalin, age 13

1. Grow a moustache
2. Run the world
3. Pogroms

Figgin Fryer Lands In Hot Water

NOARLUNGA: Local resident Captain Doobie has been detained by police on charges of Causing An Affray following an incident at a local shopping centre.

Police spokesperson Constable Felcher told reporters that Mr Doobie, who claims to be a Captain in the 'Salvation Navy' had been operating a business within the centre without the permission of Centre Management.

"He was operating a small pastry-vending business on a card-table in the mall," Constable Felcher reported, "When asked to move on by Security staff he became agitated and began making threatening comments, at which point the Police were called."

While Mr Doobie was not available for comment a spokesman for 'Doobies Olde-Tyme Christmasse Treates', Mr Goodtime Slim, told us that Mr Doobie's arrest had been the result of a misunderstanding.

"We are aware that permission is needed to trade in the Centre," Mr Slim said, "but our cat ate all of the relevant signed paperwork. When Captain Doobie was approached by Centre Staff he was more than amicable, and as a gesture of goodwill offered to toast their figgins for free."

Mr Slim acknowledges that the Security staff member's interpretation of the term 'figgin' may be to blame for the subsequent fracas.

"That," he said, "and Captain Doobie's new DVD of Season 2 of 'Are You Being Served', which he watched before leaving to man the stall."

Fun In The Workplace

Names written on the 'Quit Smoking Seminar' sign-up sheet in the factory in which I work:

1. Peter Jackson
2. Winnie Blue
3. Mr Dunhill
4. A camel

I Hate Cheese

This morning, the presence of mice in the building was brought to my attention. At lunchtime, I bought some mousetraps and some cheese for bait. Or at least, I tried to. The mousetraps were fine, easily found in Woolworth's hardware aisle. The cheese, on the other hand, was a different matter. Being lactose intolerant* I have never in my entire life ever thought about the retail possibilities of cheese. As such I had no idea where it was kept, and Woolworths weren't helping any. By process of deduction, I reasoned that it must be refrigerated, but none of the fridges held any. I could find milk, yoghurt, yakult and all that crap, but no cheese. The deli had a range of weird Venezuelan Beaver Cheeses but no home-brand cheddar, Coon, or any other brand that I recognised from the Peter Russell Clark Marketing Board. In the end I resorted to walking up and down every aisle in the supermarket before stumbling across the cheese fridge which had been placed, against all logic, as far away from the dairy goods as possible. I hate cheese.

*As opposed to just intolerant

Finally, A Bit Of Culture

Jerry Reed, Co-Star of 1977s “Smokey and the Bandit” auditions for the role of Hamlet.

To be, or not to be, son,--well now that is a big 10/4 ain’t it?:--
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of that darned outrageous fortune
Well now, suppose we take arms against a sea o’ troubles,
And by opposing end them? Honey, hush!--To die,--to sleep,--
No more; and by a sleep to say what we end
That ol’ heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to,--weeeel, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd, you hear me boy? Yup, to die,--to sleep;--
To sleep! perchance to dream:--ha ha ha, there's the rub, son;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause, ha ha ha: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
C’mon Amos, who’d bear the whips and scorns of time,
The smokey's wrong, that ol’ Bandit’s contumely,
The pangs of despis'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes, ha ha ha!
When he his-self might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would these fardels bear,
(what in heck is a fardel anyhow?)
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,--
That ol’ undiscover'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, son, --done puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we got
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; ha ha ha!
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, son;
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard, their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action,
I’m eastbound and down, ha ha ha!
Aw shoot, I oughta be in Stratford-upon-Avon.

A Wake-Up Call

You know that you're too into country music when you find out that Jerry Reed once did a guest appearance on Scooby Doo, so you rush to EzyDVD.com to see if it's available.

And you feel sad when it isn't :o(

Things I Learned On My Recent Training Course

1. People from Melbourne hate being referred to as 'convicts'.
2. There sure are a lot of ugly people in Melbourne.
3. Never refer to Melbourne as 'The Foul Eastern Reaches Of The Empire'.
4. Box Hill contains no boxes.
5. Sit in the back of taxis. Trying to get in the front door will result in A Look being given.
7. Do not read a book about plane crashes whilst on a plane. While I didn't even think it out of the ordinary, the girl next to me became somewhat agitated.

8. Souvlaki = Yiros. And bad yiros at that.