This evening I found myself at West Lakes shopping centre and, through a curious set of circumstances too tedious to relate here, was wearing a suit and tie. Imagine my amusement then when I found that the centre contained a small charity mugging stand to extend African women loans or some shit.
I must have passed that stand about five times but the damn chuggers must have guessed that the game was afoot and kept their distance. This was a pity, because had they approached me the following dialogue would have ensued:
Chugger: Excuse me, would you like to...
Me: Now see here my good man. I'll have you know that I already own five factories in Nigeria alone, so if I haven't given Umbopo over there a job by now it's probably because I don't damn well want to. Good day.
People ruin all my fun.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Our Greatest Prime Ministers
For all of those out there in the blogosphere who are by now heartily sick of the porkbarrelling, gerrymandering and general stepping-in-dogshit feelings engendered by our current election between the nefarious forces of the Mad Monk and the Ginger Ninja, The Impertinence Of It All is pleased to bring you "Our Greatest Prime Ministers".
1. Alfred Deakin. As Prime Ministers go this guy was Teh Shit, as the kids say. Not content to be Prime Minister once, in 1903, he had a second go in 1905 and then changed parties (he was originally a Protectionist. Where did they go and why can't I vote for one today?) to the Commonwealth Liberals and did it again in 1909. I know that electioneering was in it's infancy in those days (Kerry O'Brian was just starting out) but Deakin must have had one hell of a slogan. I have no idea what his campaign posters looked like but a picture of him punching a Boer in the cock is what initially comes to mind.
2. Earle Page. Hit the ground running, did Earle. For 20 crazy days in April 1939 Earle Page dominated the Australian political scene. During this time he abolished slavery, made the CSIRO invent the helicopter (finally!) and shot 25 kangaroos a day from the window of his office in Parliament House (that's 500 kangaroos!) before standing down. War was coming, he knew it, and he wanted in. Rumours that he led a team of Long-Range Reconnaissance Commandos against Rommel are unfounded but persist to this day.
3. Frank Forde. Australians love a larrikin, and the Prime Minister is no exception. In 1945 Frank Forde, a snot farmer from Gudgeeplonk in Outback Melbourne, went to Canberra to tell Curtin what he thought of him. Curtin called Forde's bluff, installing him as Prime Minister while Curtin stepped out behind the Lodge for a sly fag. Unfortunately for Curtin security refused to let him back in as Forde now held the Royal Warrant. Curtin was forced to spend 9 uncomfortable days at him mum's sleeping on the couch before he could jemmy the laundry window with a safety-pin and let himself back in.
4. Harold Holt. Australia's only official cyborg Prime Minister, Holt was the result of a super-secret CSIRO research program to produce the ultimate Prime Minister: one who could lead the nation and also keep up with Dawn Fraser. Unfortunately Holt short-circuited during initial sea-trials and the project was abandoned.
5. Gough Whitlam. A true warrior in every sense of the word, Whitlam bestrode the world like a colossus, crushing his enemies, seeing them driven before him and hearing the lamentations of their women. From the steppes of Outer Mongolia he rode an army of the finest horsemen ever seen. Eventually he choked on a chicken bone and got played by John Wayne in the first movie and Steven Seagal in the second.
1. Alfred Deakin. As Prime Ministers go this guy was Teh Shit, as the kids say. Not content to be Prime Minister once, in 1903, he had a second go in 1905 and then changed parties (he was originally a Protectionist. Where did they go and why can't I vote for one today?) to the Commonwealth Liberals and did it again in 1909. I know that electioneering was in it's infancy in those days (Kerry O'Brian was just starting out) but Deakin must have had one hell of a slogan. I have no idea what his campaign posters looked like but a picture of him punching a Boer in the cock is what initially comes to mind.
2. Earle Page. Hit the ground running, did Earle. For 20 crazy days in April 1939 Earle Page dominated the Australian political scene. During this time he abolished slavery, made the CSIRO invent the helicopter (finally!) and shot 25 kangaroos a day from the window of his office in Parliament House (that's 500 kangaroos!) before standing down. War was coming, he knew it, and he wanted in. Rumours that he led a team of Long-Range Reconnaissance Commandos against Rommel are unfounded but persist to this day.
3. Frank Forde. Australians love a larrikin, and the Prime Minister is no exception. In 1945 Frank Forde, a snot farmer from Gudgeeplonk in Outback Melbourne, went to Canberra to tell Curtin what he thought of him. Curtin called Forde's bluff, installing him as Prime Minister while Curtin stepped out behind the Lodge for a sly fag. Unfortunately for Curtin security refused to let him back in as Forde now held the Royal Warrant. Curtin was forced to spend 9 uncomfortable days at him mum's sleeping on the couch before he could jemmy the laundry window with a safety-pin and let himself back in.
4. Harold Holt. Australia's only official cyborg Prime Minister, Holt was the result of a super-secret CSIRO research program to produce the ultimate Prime Minister: one who could lead the nation and also keep up with Dawn Fraser. Unfortunately Holt short-circuited during initial sea-trials and the project was abandoned.
5. Gough Whitlam. A true warrior in every sense of the word, Whitlam bestrode the world like a colossus, crushing his enemies, seeing them driven before him and hearing the lamentations of their women. From the steppes of Outer Mongolia he rode an army of the finest horsemen ever seen. Eventually he choked on a chicken bone and got played by John Wayne in the first movie and Steven Seagal in the second.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Another Open Letter to Clive Cussler
Dear Mr Cussler,
Recently I read your excellent novel, 'Night Probe!', which ends, you may recall, with the United States and Canada becoming one nation, with the exception of Quebec, which gets a bit of it's French on.
However, I just picked up your more recent novel, "Arctic Drift!' which involves Canada, and I couldn't help but noticing that Canada and the US are still separate entities. Given that everything else in the novels follows on what, Mr Cussler, the fuck?
Are you just making this stuff up or something?
Yours,
DC
Recently I read your excellent novel, 'Night Probe!', which ends, you may recall, with the United States and Canada becoming one nation, with the exception of Quebec, which gets a bit of it's French on.
However, I just picked up your more recent novel, "Arctic Drift!' which involves Canada, and I couldn't help but noticing that Canada and the US are still separate entities. Given that everything else in the novels follows on what, Mr Cussler, the fuck?
Are you just making this stuff up or something?
Yours,
DC
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sunday, August 08, 2010
My Life As A Musical
Today I bought a new toothbrush,
Hooray! Hooray!
Today I bought a new toothbrush,
Bought a new brush today!
I bought a new brush,
because I felt a bit flush,
and I didn't like the old one,
thank you very much!
Today I bought a new toothbrush,
Hooray! Hooray!
Today I bought a new toothbrush,
I hope it's here to stay!
Hooray! Hooray!
Today I bought a new toothbrush,
Bought a new brush today!
I bought a new brush,
because I felt a bit flush,
and I didn't like the old one,
thank you very much!
Today I bought a new toothbrush,
Hooray! Hooray!
Today I bought a new toothbrush,
I hope it's here to stay!
Friday, August 06, 2010
Magnus: Robot Fighter
*sigh* I suppose, looking back a few years from now, i'll count this moment when the lying stopped and the self-realisation hit that I am a geek, because i've now blogged twice about new-release comics. This is getting dangerously regular.
Once more unto the breach...Dark Horse have released a new series written by 60's stalwart Jim Shooter. The first, Dr Solar, was reviewed on this emblogulation not long ago and was criticised for it's awful artwork, although the story was strong. This time, Magnus gets the opposite: good, clear (if a little lifeless and static) artwork and poor writing. You know you're on the wrong track when the old 60's version (reprinted at the back of the book) hold's a reader's attention more than the new one. Magnus is a man trained by a robot to kill bad robots. Why do the robots need to be killed? In the original, because humankind has been subjugated and needs redemption. In the reboot, because everything is hunky-dory with people but the robots are getting all uppity, forming organised-crime cartels and kidnapping people to sell as food to aliens.
That's your problem right there: in the original Magnus is a saviour, while in the reboot I was left wondering why no-one else bothered doing anything. It may be an omission, but it's glaring: in the original humans are shown pretty much like the humans in the ship in 'Wall-e', but in the reboot they're all perfectly able-bodied.
It doesn't work, much as I wanted it too. Put the artist from Magnus to work with Shooter on Dr Solar and I think you'd have a winner. Hopefully the third release in the Shooter series, Turok, will follow this path.
Once more unto the breach...Dark Horse have released a new series written by 60's stalwart Jim Shooter. The first, Dr Solar, was reviewed on this emblogulation not long ago and was criticised for it's awful artwork, although the story was strong. This time, Magnus gets the opposite: good, clear (if a little lifeless and static) artwork and poor writing. You know you're on the wrong track when the old 60's version (reprinted at the back of the book) hold's a reader's attention more than the new one. Magnus is a man trained by a robot to kill bad robots. Why do the robots need to be killed? In the original, because humankind has been subjugated and needs redemption. In the reboot, because everything is hunky-dory with people but the robots are getting all uppity, forming organised-crime cartels and kidnapping people to sell as food to aliens.
That's your problem right there: in the original Magnus is a saviour, while in the reboot I was left wondering why no-one else bothered doing anything. It may be an omission, but it's glaring: in the original humans are shown pretty much like the humans in the ship in 'Wall-e', but in the reboot they're all perfectly able-bodied.
It doesn't work, much as I wanted it too. Put the artist from Magnus to work with Shooter on Dr Solar and I think you'd have a winner. Hopefully the third release in the Shooter series, Turok, will follow this path.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
When Elevenses Attack...
Today (well, Sunday) whilst shopping for tea, I was confronted by the sight of a new brand on the supermarket shelf. Tantalisingly, alluringly, it was called 'Just Tea'.
Now, i'm all for Just tea, but it does conjure up some odd images of a peaceful, caring society in which the quality of mercy is not strained but rather droppeth like the gentle rain from heaven.
As I stood there, picturing the utopia from which Just Tea must spring I realised that by it's very exisence, Just Tea implied the existence of Unjust Tea. The thought chilled me. Who, I asked myself, could be drinking Unjust Tea?
Presumably they sell a lot in Pyongyang.
Now, i'm all for Just tea, but it does conjure up some odd images of a peaceful, caring society in which the quality of mercy is not strained but rather droppeth like the gentle rain from heaven.
As I stood there, picturing the utopia from which Just Tea must spring I realised that by it's very exisence, Just Tea implied the existence of Unjust Tea. The thought chilled me. Who, I asked myself, could be drinking Unjust Tea?
Presumably they sell a lot in Pyongyang.
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