Random Doobings

"There!" cried Captain Doobie in triumph, flamboyantly scribbling the last letter in the last box and waving his pen with a flourish, "That's that."

"That's what?" mumbled Goodtime Slim from the couch, engrossed in the latest Phantom comic*.
"I've finished the crossword in the Advertiser."
"Goodtime Slim looked up. "I've always wondered why you bother with that thing. You start off ok, but then you're always in a mad panic to finish it."

"Of course. If I couldn't finish it, it would mean that someone at the Advertiser is smarter than me, and I can't be having that can I?"

Goodtime Slim looked at him dissaprovingly. "I don't think anyone at the Advertiser ever actually does the crossword," he told him.

Captain Doobie looked indignant. "Of course they do!" he cried, "How else do they have the answers in there the next day?"

*The Sengh Brotherhood Cops A Right Bloody Belting; Frew Publications, 2008.

Random Doobings

Captain Doobie, Goodtime Slim, and the Merciless Merchandiser of Morphett Vale.

Captain Doobie popped his head around the door of Goodtime Slim's room. "Can I borrow your engraver?" he asked brightly.

"What engraver?" asked Goodtime Slim, sitting up in bed and blearily wiping the sleep from his eyes.
"You remember, the one you got when the dog from up the back kept jumping the fence and you said you were going to change whatever was on it's tax disc into a rude word."

Goodtime Slim remembered now. "Oh, that one," he said, "It's on top of the wardrobe."
"Ta," replied Captain Doobie, reaching up, grabbing it and leaving.
Goodtime Slim was slightly troubled by all of this. He had no idea of what might be about to happen, and this worried him a great deal. If sharing a house with Captain Doobie were compared to cruising on a yatch, then Goodtime Slim spent a lot of time being swept over the side.

His sense of unease was only deepened when he heard the engraver fire up in the dining room. Goodtime Slim lay in bed for several minutes until curiosity and a fart best described as a Breakfast Maker caused him to venture out into the kitchen. There he found Captain Doobie hard at work with the engraver in one hand, and a jar full of small metal things beside him.

Goodtime Slim made himself a cup of milo rather conspicuously, but Captain Doobie didn't turn around. Goodtime Slim took the drastic step of boiling an egg and making some toast soldiers, but even this extraordinary activity didn't make Captain Doobie look up. Finally, Goodtime Slim had to resort to poking his nose in.

"What's that then?" he asked, settling himself down at the opposite end of the table from Captain Doobie. As he cut the end off his egg he heard a piece of metal shaving plop into his Spiderman mug. He sighed pointedly. Captain Doobie looked up. "They're cotter pins," he told him.

"I can see that," replied Goodtime Slim, "What on earth are you doing?"
"This is my new job. I was thinking how much money there is these days in merchandising for television, so I thought i'd create some of my own."

Goodtime Slim did a small doubletake, flicking egg around. "How?"
"I'm engraving 'Welcome back' on all of them."

sniffIMPERTINENCE

HOLDEN UNVEILS PLANS FOR ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY COMMODORE WHILST SMIRKING

LIZABEFF: Holden chief Hyman T Spunkfelcher today unveiled plans for Australia's first 'green' Commodore by talking in vague terms about future plans but not actually saying much, and sort-of giggling. "By 2010 there will definitely be an environmentally-friendly Commodore," he chortled, "Whether it's petrol-electric, diesel-electric or just plain diesel, we can't say."

Given that at this point in a new car's development small matters like the choice of powertrain should have been long locked in, industry experts have concluded that Mr Spunkfelcher is simply talking out of his large, flabby, pasty yank arse. "We suspect he's not telling the truth," commmented Ms F Rigid, anti-car reviewer for Choice Magazine, "Perhaps if Holden want to decrease the emission signature of their sales catalogue they could drop the V8 and make a small four-cylinder vehicle instead?"

Ms Rigid's comments were greeted with a distinct lack of sobriety by Holden management. "Holden as a company is totally committed to green technology," chuckled the VP in charge of Media Deflection, whilst wiping his eyes with a tissue, "Only this week we painted all the robots a lovely emerald colour. All of them! We even used this cool lead based paint and then washed the brushes out in the dolphin tank at Seaworld."

Frippery

Adventura, Belmont, Charger, Dino, El Camino, Falcon, Galant, Hi-Ace, i30, Jackaroo, Kingswood, Lexcen, Monaro, Nova, Octavia, Premier, Quintet, Roadpacer, Starrion, Tarago, Uracco, Vitesse, Wagon-R, XR4, Yaris, Zephyr.

There was no point to all that, just wanted to see if I could do it, is all.

Neil Young Has Spider Named After Him

TEXAS: In today's biggest news it was reported that Canadian folk/rock singer Neil Young has had a spider named after him. The reasons behind this are relatively uncertain, but it would appear that the spider reminded the scientist who made the discovery a lot of Neil Young.

This may be less than complimentary. According to standard operating procedure, spider species are differentiated by their genitalia, which may mean that the genitalia of this particular spider (a member of the trapdoor genus) made the scientist exclaim, "Hey, that looks just like Neil Young".

The singer/songwriter has not yet officially commented on the honour. However, he is reported to be interested in buying several hundred very small guitars in order than any spider who wishes to follow in his footsteps may be allowed to. The Canadian popster is also rumoured to be recording a new album, a follow-up to 2006's "Living With War", entitled "Living With Baygon". The known track listing at this stage includes:

1. Hey hey, fly fly.
2. Pea-Beau The Killer
3. Web Of Gold
4. Venom Delivery
Meanwhile, some industry pundits are underwhelmed. "He's just copying the Beatles," an unknown spokesman named Stephen Stills told reporters this morning. Neither of the surviving Beatles could be located for comment, as Ringo was busy at a Yasser Arafat look-alike contest and Sir Paul McCartney was taking his daily bath in virgin's blood.

The Crying Of Lot 49

I have now read 3 of Thomas Pynchon's novels and am working on the fourth. I know of no-one else on earth who can match this feat.

The problem is that this achievement is less than admirable when one of the novels, The Crying Of Lot 49, is little more than a short story, clocking in at 127 pages. I read it last night, and was somewhat underwhelmed. It was written in 1964 and I guess things have changed since then. I got told it was all about conspiracies and government agents and was a page-turner par excellence, instead it was dreary, dull and plodding. There was some clever wordplay and the stucture was a bit 'out there' but nothing that you wouldn't encounter in any of a number of 'modern' novels.

Still, the story was solid and i'ts not like it took more than a couple of hours to read, so i'm satisfied.
I'm now working on "Against The Day' which is shaping up to be fantastic.

The Pile

Everyone who reads books sooner or later accumulates A Pile. You know how it is: you just tend to buy more books than you read, then 10 years later you look around and you're knee-deep. You read some, but then you get more books, which go on top, and the whole cycle starts over again.

I'm very pleased to say that yesterday due to an unfortunate brush with the flu, I read 3 books from THE VERY START of my pile! In a fit of madness I started at the bottom, not the top, and started reading my way up. The thick heavy dust got blown off, and they got read. "Apocalypse: The Musical" by Robert Rankin (which I hated); "Lord Of Light" by Roger Zelazny (fair to middling); and "Involution Ocean" by Bruce Sterling (fantastic). I can't remember buying Apocalypse, but Lord Of Light was one of the first books I ever bought from the book club, and Involution Ocean I borrowed from a friend. Seeing as how I first joined the book club ten years ago, this was something akin to archaeology. Archaoliteracy perhaps?