The Dragon's Eulogy

The boy started to talk, mainly about when he and Sir Michael first met. The dragon wasn’t terribly interested in this and idly picked his teeth until he became aware that the boy had stopped talking and was glaring at him.

“What?” the dragon asked, a bit self-consciously.
“It’s bad enough that you eat people,” the youth told him, scowling, “you don’t need to sit around picking bits of them out of your teeth during their memorial service.”

The dragon looked down at the talon he’d been using. It had a bit of helmet on it. “Oh, right,” he said, and wiped it on a rabbit who was passing, “Is that it then? Are you done?”

“I’m done, yes,” said the youth. There was a slightly pregnant pause.
“Well,” asked the boy, “don’t you have anything to say?”
The dragon felt slightly embarrassed. “Not really, no,” he told him.
“I thought you might like to say a few words.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Anything.”
The dragon looked at the boy. “I really don’t think I should have to,” he declared, “I’m sure it’s not really the done thing you know, eulogising someone whom you’re currently digesting. Not really cricket, and all that.”

The boy put his hands on his hips and glared at the dragon. “Look, Sir Michael is dead,” he stated.
“I know,” replied the dragon, somewhat testily, “I ate him.”
“Yes, so you can bloody well say a few kind words then, can’t you?”
The dragon sighed, a tricky operation when you consider that he breathed fire and all. “I suppose so,” he replied, then stopped to gather his thoughts. When he looked down again, the boy was standing with his head bowed, so there wasn't really any backing out now.

“Right. Well, I suppose I should say right up front that I never really knew Sir Michael as a man,” the dragon declared in the hope that this was a good start, “I only ever knew him…as an hors d’oevre. However, um…well look, I wasn’t going to say this but what he hell, spirit of the moment and all that, I mean to say that frankly, as an hors d’oevre, he was jolly good.

“Now, I’m not one who is overly given to eating humans, as a general rule. There’s the clothing for a start. Sticks in your teeth, you see, and it's a bugger to get out. And don’t get me started on the shoes! I mean, you eat them, you’ve got no idea what the stupid sods might have trodden in.”

The dragon paused to collect his thoughts. His stomach rumbled ominously. “In any case,” he continued, “I really don’t know what it was that made Sir Michael so delicious. Perhaps it was his courage in the face of adversity which, I must admit, didn’t do him a whole lot of good; or perhaps it was the fact that he tasted a bit like horseradish. Who can say? I know I can’t, and I flatter myself that I am something of an expert.”

He paused, right at the wrong moment, and into the silence came the sound of a violent gaseous emission.
“I say!” the dragon declared, going a bit red, “I do beg your pardon."
He thought again. "Although, perhaps I should really end this here. I’m sure we would all like to remember good old Sir Michael like that, er, going out on a high note, as it were.” He lapsed into silence.

“How was that?” he asked the boy after a few moments.
The boy looked up at him. “I’ll admit,” he said drolly, “I’ve heard better.”

Why Pirates Choose To Stop Being Pirates

1. Exorbitant cost of cutlasses.
2. Dismemberment in excess of what pirates traditionally consider excessive.
3. Finish gap year, become accountants.
4. Unable to think of doubloons without remembering that one time with Rosie in Port Royal.
5. The works of Gideon Defoe.
6. Lose hat.
7. Derision from piratical peers.
8. Join rock band.
9. Termites in pegleg.
10. Entropy.

Fantasy Novels

Recently I was invited to join a book club. I did so, but didn't realise that it was a fantasy bookclub. Under normal circumstances I loathe fantasy novels but I do read some. This has caused consternation and made me appear churlish so I thought it might be best if I set down once and for all my do's-and-don't's for aspiring fantasy writers:

What I like:
1. Barbarians: Call them Conan, or Brak, or just a load of vikings, I don't care. Just bring 'em on. In fact, anyone impossibly huge, even women like Lisamon Hulton or Mother out of the Scarecrow books.

2. Zeppelins: Anything involving Zeppelins will be fine. This also includes tales of stranded zeppelineers sans zeppelin.

3. Gemstones: Be it the Jewel of Gwahalir, the Kaiburr Crystal or the Eye of Set, any fantasy novel is instantly improved by large, easily-stolen gems.

What I hate:
-1. Trilogies: just cut it out, for heaven's sake. I want a book to read over lunch, I don't want to enter into a financial contract with the author for the next seven years or (in the case of Harry Turtledove) until one of us dies. Note to Mr Turtledove: I gave up on your books years ago. If you can't be bothered finishing them then neither can I.

-2. The standard plot. "A young boy/girl/dwarf named [celtic name] finds out from the old wizard/seer/witch [celtic name] that they have some gift which they must use to go on a quest to the land of [celtic name] to battle the evil forces of [celtic name] and bring peace and prosperity to the land of [celtic name]". Note: for tales of the Otori and other recent works please change [celtic name] to [oriental name].

-3. Modernisations of any sword-and-sorcery theme where magic takes the place of scientific progress.
-4. Vampires who conveniently don't get harmed by any of the accepted vampire lore.  If it's a vampire it can't go out in daylight and it hates the sign of the cross. If this gets in the way of your story, learn to write better. There are rules, dammit!

Clone Wars

Because i'm a geek I lined up outside Greater Union yesterday morning to see the first session of the new Star Wars film. I'm pleased to say that the new Star Wars movie, The Clone Wars, is A Good Thing.

That said, the animation will take a bit of getting used to. It's based on the animation from the 2D cartoon series, which was highly stylised. Seeing it in 3D rendering is a bit weird. Also, the addition of a new Padawan for Anakin was not really necessary. In the form of the Padawan (a sassy, feisty pre-teen alien chick) I sense the return of Jar-Jar Binks.

But they're only a few small points when the overall movie is considered. It remains canon, using the Sith assassin Asajj Ventress again: not really explaining how she excaped death at the end of the cartoon series but merely telling us that she did. Being all CGI the battle scenes (the entire movie is one long battle scene, more or less) are spectacular, and we get to see the Republic Commandos in action! We see inside Jabba's palace again, the Cantina Band is back, and i'll watch a computer generated Hayden Christensen over the real one any day.

I'd give it an 8 out of 10: 1 point off for the padawan and 1 point off because no-one fell into an abyss after any of the lightsaber duels. There are unwritten rules, dammit!

Elephants Ahoy!

The elephant sat perched upon the church steeply, braying loudly and swaying slightly in the light summer breeze. It was young Johnny Carter who noticed it first, taking time out from an important game of conkers to stare up at the magnificent sight. Soon the whole village of Lower Throckmorton was looking up in dismay at the unfortunate pachyderm.

First the vicar was informed. He immediately send for the town constable, who took one look and called for Alderman Ridleyton-Smythe. While below it a crowd assembled the elephant continued to stand upon the small roof, looking for all the world like an oversized weathercock, save that it did not turn with the breeze. There wasn't really enough room.

No-one knew what to do. While the first question that anyone invariably asked was 'How did it get there?", this was not nearly as important as the second question: "How do we get it down?"

The Vicar implored the Constable to do something. The Constable stiffly informed him that while its ledge was certainly precarious, the perched pachyderm did not appear to be breaking any laws.

This was a poser. Constable Blenkinsop was perfectly correct of course, and there seemed no further way out of it until the Vicar, in desperation, turned to the Town Charter and triumphantly told the Alderman that it was the duty of the Town of Lower Throckmorton to keep the church free from vermin. The news certainly presented Alderman Ridleyton-Smythe with a solution. If the beast was classified as vermin, he decided, then he was quite within his rights to return home, find his grandfather's elephant gun, and shoot the animal off the roof.

Upon hearing this Marjorie Dawkins, outspoken aminal rights activist and chairperson of the local RSPCA, could not have been more aghast. While she dutifully acknowledged that she knew of no other way to remove the elephant she did not agree that its slaughter presented a justifiable solution. Quickly, as the Alderman hurried home, Marjorie began to organise resistance. By the time the Alderman returned with his blunderbuss, solid ball-shot and a keg of black powder Margorie and her compatriots were already in place at the front of the parish church, with signs reading "Stop The Senseless Slaughter!" and "Elephant Rights Now!"

Despite them Alderman Ridleyton-Smythe clumsily loaded the gun. While he was not a sportsman in the clinical sense of the word he had always dreamed of 'bagging' an elephant, and this was a chance not to be missed. Ignoring the Animal Rights Activist's pleas he raised the gun to his shoulder and pulled the trigger in one swift movement.

The parish church of Lower Throckmorton was not a large affair. The steeple stood only 30 feet above the ground level, above the small bell tower. Even from that distance the Alderman's aim was not true due to a shoulder-tackle from Marjorie, and the shot went high, merely grazing the elephant's ear. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) the shot startled the magnificent beast and it lost its precarious footing. It toppled over in the fashion that you'd expect and plummeted to the ground, only to have its fall cushioned somewhat by the surprised forms of twenty or so of the village housewives, rallied by Marjorie for the animal's protection. In an ironic twist of fate the elephant survived the fall with little more than a scratch while the housewives were completely flattened. In the end it began to rain, and Marjorie was left in the unenviable position of deciding whether or not to press charges against the pachyderm while everyone else went home to tea and scones. The elephant was nowhere to be seen.

New TV Show

What with the Writer's Strike and all a few months ago, I thought i'd better plan for the future and come up with some new shows that I might like, lest the viewing public be swamped by horrid reality TV that makes the adventures on Walton Mountain look interesting.

'Allo 'allo: The Next Generation
After the destruction of WW2 Rene Atois moved his cafe to somewhere nice and safe: French Indo-China. By 1965 Rene is now the old man upstairs in bed as the Viet-Cong roll into town. Hilarious hi-jinks ensue as Rene's son Andre now has to hide two american airmen in the cafe and a radio beneath Rene's bed! The situation is further complicated by the arrival of Colonel Von Strohm and Gruber, who fled to the Foreign Legion after WW2 and are now in the Indo-Chinese resistance. If that wasn't enough, the local Viet Cong leader Wing-wang asks Andre to hide Mitzi (his stolen Panda from Hanoi Zoo) for the duration of the war while his effeminate aide Whoop Si, may have developed a crush on poor old Andre! Hilarity ensues.

What Comes Around...Goes Around.

Well I am absolutely tickled pink.

A matter of principle arose recently. Those who know me well will shudder somewhat at this, as it usually means that I ended up fighting for something long after the objective became redundant. However, this has a happy ending.

On Sunday, whilst shopping at a discount store I found (finally!) a copy of the 1981 Jerry Reed film 'What Comes Around'. I've been looking for this for a while. Not because it's a great movie (i've never seen it so I can't say) but because it stars Jerry Reed (Snowman out of Smokey & The Bandit) as a guitar player, it's probably got some decent live concert footage of the man.

However, when I tried to play the disc I discovered that the movie on there was actually 'StarHunter' with Roddy McDowell. I don't wish to disparage Mr McDowell in any way but it's not exactly a replacement. The disc only cost $3 and it would have been easy to throw it away, but I wanted to see the movie! So despite some very disparaging comments from almost everyone who heard about the project I found the company who made it, via the internet. Flashback Entertainment turned out to be a local company from NSW, and the staff were very sympathetic and helpful, and they've agreed to send me a new disc! So all's well that ends well.

And i notice on their website that Flashback Entertainment has just secured the rights to the entire Leyland Brothers DVD collection, so be sure to show them your support in the best possible way.