Perhaps I Have Been A Bit Hasty

Recently certain comments on this emblogulation may have given people the impression that I dislike those members of our community of the Teutonic persuasion. Nothing could be further from the truth, as the following table shows:

Good German Things:
1. Mettwurst
2. Hefeweisen
3. Fanta
4. Hahndorf, SA.
5. The Schutzenfest

Bad German Things:
1. Sebastian Vettel
2. Operation Barbarossa
3. Auschwitz

I think that sums things up a little more distinctly.

A Poem Explaining Why I Now HATE GERMANS.

I hate Germans,
Because I am an Australian Formula 1 fan,
and Vettel just crashed into Webber,
Losing him first place and bumping him to third which,
although still enabled him to retain the lead in the championship over Button,
was still nothing less than you'd expect,
from a country who couldn't even hold onto Tobruk,
(shithole that it is)
we taught you once,
you sausage-sucking squareheads,
and if you think we'll be afraid to again,
you're bloody dreaming,
may all your chooks turn into emus,
and kick your dunny doors in.

sniffIMPERTINENCE

Austin Returns To F1

SILVERSTONE- In a bold move, Formula One will see its ranks swelled in the 2012 season by Austin. The motor manufacturer was thought defunct, having been bought by Lord Nuffield, then by Morris, then rolled into British Leyland before finally being encased in concrete and dumped in the North Sea.
However it has been learned that the former motoring giant who brought the world the 1800 Land Crab, the Kimberley and the Tasman will once again compete in every major race in a new chassis specially designed by a bloke called Sid in a shed in Northhamptonshire. Engines are more problematic, Sid explained in a press conference today, as the current requirement for 3-litre capacity has meant that all of the 2-litre Tasman straight sixes salvaged from the wreckers will have to be bored and stroked. On the plus side the formerly FWD powerplants will be able to retain their original 3-speed gearboxes, now mated to the rear wheels. The engine's transverse orientation is believed to be a first in the modern F1 era.
Drivers are yet to be announced although it is understood that Ralf Schumacher's bicycle was seen parked out the front of Sid's shed last Tuesday.
Pundits have yet to comment on the team's fortunes, other than to say that at last Lotus will have some serious competition.

From Little Things Big Things Grow

For those readers of this emblogulation who may be unaware, as an adjunct to by busy life as an author, jeweller, unemployed supply professional and actor, I occasionally may be found directing amateur theatre productions. Yes, I do occasionally stir from my underwater lair in the GReat Southern Ocean with my faithful retainer Scrotum in order to delve into the strange and eerie world of the theatre.
Most recently I have directed a production of Oliver Goldsmith's "She Stoops To Conquer". We bumped-in to the theatre last night, and the work of six months came to a head. I had decided to run the show in an authentic 18th century setting using modern technology. Hence the stage is shallow and bare, it's lit with footlights and all lighting is tinged with yellow. All costumes are authentic. All furniture is authentic. The manner of acting is as close as we can get to the semi-pantomime style of the era. This show is going to kick arse.
As I was sitting watching the dress rehearsal last night it occurred to me that the entire production grew from my purchase about four years ago of a penguin paperback containing the script. This was bought on a whim, secondhand, for $2.50 from the Rotary Book Exchange. My mind was duly blown. All of the effort, laughter, tears, heartbreak and accidental discharges of plasma rifles that has occurred in the last 6 months are all due to a secondhand book that cost $2.50.

There's a kind of nobility in that, I think.

Selected Quotes From Last Night's Bookclub Meeting

Mr A: CGI ruins a movie.
Me: Yes, a case in point being the recent remake of 'Last Of The Mohicans'.
Mr A: There hasn't been a recent remake of "Last Of The Mohicans".
Me: Yes there has: "Avatar"
Mr A: That was a remake of "Dances With Wolves"!
Me: Er, "Dances With Wolves was a remake of "Last Of The Mohicans".

But it got even better:

Mr A: I dislike people who won't read other genres. You mention sci-fi/fantasy to them and they won't even look at it, but then they start gushing about "The Time Traveller's Wife" or "The Road".
Me: Yes, but how many people here will read "The Road" but won't read any of Cormac McCarthy's other books?
Mr A: He's written other books?
Me: Yes, they're over in the Western section.
Mr A: Pfft! Westerns.

The Man With The Iron Heart: A Review

It's not often that I feel moved to review books on this emblogulation but in the case of Harry Turtledove's "The Man With The Iron Heart" I simply had to.
I've had a love/hate relationship with Turtledove's work for some years. I find his concepts good but his writing poor, and so while good sense should have prevented me from even picking up this book, I was intrigued by the idea of the Nazi resistance movement, the Werewolves, as a potent force.
I needn't have bothered. The book has almost nothing to do with WW2 and is simply an allegory for the current war in Iraq. In this respect it lends itself to an earlier short story by Turtledove exploring the ramifications of a hostile press to the US war effort in WW2. In that story, however, at least the details were correct. In TMWTIH a great many details, such as the anti-Nazi sentiment of the US population and the German population, are simply ignored.
Mr Turtledove presents us with a world in which the Germans hide in the Alpine Redoubt and strike at the occupiers with suicide bombers and other terrorist tactics. He should have done some reading. An Alpine Redoubt was extensively planned by the Nazis but work was begun too late in the war to complete it in time. This redoubt, however, was designed to house regiments, armament factories and Messerschmidt squadrons in order to continue conventional war.
My main problem with this book however is the author's treatment of the home front. He has congressmen and housewives begin an anti-occupation movement. His use of Congressmen and not Senators is very telling. In the real world, any opposition to State policy regarding the Nazis would have come to the attention of Senator McCarthy and his House Committee on Un-American Activities. While this body is more well known for the communist witch-hunts of the 50s and 60s, it was formed after the declaration of war in 1941 with the mandate of hunting down Nazi sympathisers within America, with the help of the FBI. The fact that Mr Turtledove used these elements in his earlier short story but chooses to omit them here makes TMWTIH a sham, a fake. One gets the impression that it's nothing but a pro-Iraq right-wing propaganda tool seeking to paint the US government and military in an angelic light whilst showing the short-sightedness and stupidity of all those who oppose it. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's not what the book was marketed as and frankly, i'm not interested in it. I like my alternate history to be intelligent, plausible and not a political allegory. This book was less Turtledove and more Turkey.

And Now, a Limerick.

A Transylvanian Count named Dracula,
Composed limericks most spectacular,
but he said, "I tell you,
It's quite hard to do,
as it requires uncommon vernacular."