The Impertinence Of It All would like to welcome to the helm of this great nation Julia Gillard, our first ever Prime Ministrix.
The Impertinence Of It All is also proud to announce that it is the first media outlet to use the term 'Prime Ministrix'.
Even if I can't spell 'weird' properly.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Things Were A Bit Wierd In The Good Old Days
Recently I found myself at a loose end so I went down to my local secondhand bookshop and bought six books for $1 from the minda basket at the front. Taken as a job lot these books have been exceptionally good, from the Roman splendour of 'Ben-Hur' by Lew Wallace to 'The Moon's A Balloon' by David Niven.
One of the other books was 'The Rats' by James Herbert. Again, quite good. It was one of the most bloodthirsty books i've read in a long time, an achievement which was only enhanced by the bookmark I found in it which was handmade by someone called 'Ally'. I can only assume Ally was about 12 given the love-hearts and flowers drawn on it. Granted the bookmark was not particularly far into the book, but I do hope Ally wasn't scarred for life too much.
One of the best aspects of this book (after it's being a taught, well-written horror story about terrier-sized rats invading London) was the ending, where the hero (a teacher) figures out where Rat HQ is and drives over there to kill the psychically-enhanced rat king with an axe (that'll learn 'em). I'm used to American horror from Stephen King where cars are used quite regularly, so it was a bit of a shock when, in the middle of the driving scene in which the rats are attacking the car and getting run over and stuff, I remembered that earlier in the book it was mentioned that the teacher's car was a Hillman Minx.
That's right, the one at the top of this post. As far as i'm concerned i'd be packing death* if I were battling killer rats in Battle Truck, let alone a post-war British sedan with a 1275cc engine and a whopping 28kW. In terms of automotive achievement that's like Odysseus swimming home while a shark nipped at his love-spuds. Awesome.
*This marks the first use of this term by the author since 1988.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
This Is Wierd
I've been writing the new novel about vampires. This has led me to a startling discovery. A vampire is only active at night, eats only high-protein liquids, can only be totally destroyed by fire, only needs to feed spasmodically, regenerates hermaphroditically and generates no body heat.
We have other creatures like this on the planet, a whole kingdom of them: the Plant Kingdom. That's right, my research leads me to believe that vampires are plants, not animals. If a plant evolved to the point of intelligence, I think it would have all of the currently-accepted traits of a vampire.
Odd.
We have other creatures like this on the planet, a whole kingdom of them: the Plant Kingdom. That's right, my research leads me to believe that vampires are plants, not animals. If a plant evolved to the point of intelligence, I think it would have all of the currently-accepted traits of a vampire.
Odd.
Friday, June 11, 2010
This Is Not Good
I went shopping today for shoes, and whilst browsing in the vendosphere, I saw something that simply should not be.
Tracky-dack cargos.
That's right. Cargo pants made from that awful grey-marle tracky-dack material. With the knee pockets and everything. Who is wearing this sort of thing? Is anyone that fucked up that they're thinking: 'you know what my life needs? For these gosh-darned cargo pants to be softer and warmer, like a big grey pair of military pyjamas. Perhaps they're designed to be worn with those knee-high lace-up ugg boots that have bafflingly become popular again.
However, I suppose I shouldn't complain, as today's expedition wasn't all bad. I found a Marvel Comic from 1983 in which Conan the Barbarian gets transported to the 20th century, dresses like a pimp and BEATS THE SHIT out of Captain America. Runs the dude through with a sword. Wow.
Tracky-dack cargos.
That's right. Cargo pants made from that awful grey-marle tracky-dack material. With the knee pockets and everything. Who is wearing this sort of thing? Is anyone that fucked up that they're thinking: 'you know what my life needs? For these gosh-darned cargo pants to be softer and warmer, like a big grey pair of military pyjamas. Perhaps they're designed to be worn with those knee-high lace-up ugg boots that have bafflingly become popular again.
However, I suppose I shouldn't complain, as today's expedition wasn't all bad. I found a Marvel Comic from 1983 in which Conan the Barbarian gets transported to the 20th century, dresses like a pimp and BEATS THE SHIT out of Captain America. Runs the dude through with a sword. Wow.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Random Doobings
It was a dejected and rather red-faced Captain Doobie that walked through the front door. He was followed shortly after by a resigned-looking Goodtime Slim.
"Shall I put the kettle on?" asked Captain Doobie with false brightness.
Goodtime Slim's glare was all the answer he received.
"I don't see what you're upset about," said Captain Doobie as he slommocked his way over to the couch, "It's not like you did anything."
"No," replied Goodtime Slim in what could only be described as a biting fashion, "I didn't need to. You did the lot, didn't you?"
"It's not my fault!" Captain Doobie wailed.
"Isn't it? Whose bloody fault is it then?"
There was a pause.
"Alright, it is my fault," conceded Captain Doobie, "but I do wish you wouldn't take on so."
Goodtime Slim settled back in his chair and folded his hands above his small paunch. "What have we learned today?" he asked, "and by 'we' I mean specifically 'you'."
"That it's important to dress for every occasion."
"Indeed. Any why, in this specific instance was that a requirement you should have followed?"
"Because I had paint splattered on my trousers."
"What colour paint?"
"Red."
Goodtime Slim nodded. "So, with red paint splashed all down your pants, where should you have not gone?"
Captain Doobie nudged the floor with his toe. "The blood bank."
"Exactly. If I were you, i'd send them a bunch of flowers or something."
"Shall I put the kettle on?" asked Captain Doobie with false brightness.
Goodtime Slim's glare was all the answer he received.
"I don't see what you're upset about," said Captain Doobie as he slommocked his way over to the couch, "It's not like you did anything."
"No," replied Goodtime Slim in what could only be described as a biting fashion, "I didn't need to. You did the lot, didn't you?"
"It's not my fault!" Captain Doobie wailed.
"Isn't it? Whose bloody fault is it then?"
There was a pause.
"Alright, it is my fault," conceded Captain Doobie, "but I do wish you wouldn't take on so."
Goodtime Slim settled back in his chair and folded his hands above his small paunch. "What have we learned today?" he asked, "and by 'we' I mean specifically 'you'."
"That it's important to dress for every occasion."
"Indeed. Any why, in this specific instance was that a requirement you should have followed?"
"Because I had paint splattered on my trousers."
"What colour paint?"
"Red."
Goodtime Slim nodded. "So, with red paint splashed all down your pants, where should you have not gone?"
Captain Doobie nudged the floor with his toe. "The blood bank."
"Exactly. If I were you, i'd send them a bunch of flowers or something."
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Why Citroen Suck.
Pricing was announced today for the Citroen DS3. I had my eye on the DS3 Racing, a turboed, worked version with 150kW.
Today it was announced that the base model, 70kW dunger version would start at $32000.
WTF??? The dealer i've been talking to tried to tell me that this was 'in line' with the Mini Cooper S and the Alfa Mito. Cars that, I reminded him, I have already failed to buy because I consider them ridiculously overpriced.
I then reminded him of other small hatchbacks in the 70kW range, cars like the Hyundai Getz ($14000), Kia Rio ($13000) and Suzuki Alto ($13000). Granted, the DS3 Racing is likely to be better in handling and quality than these, but the base model probably isn't.
Where is the extra $20000 going? Do they expect me to pay Posh Tax on a bloody French car now? This is the same company that made the 2CV, for crying out loud, a car that shared many characteristics with the Volkswagen Beetle except popularity.
This is ridiculous. The Aussie-built 1.4 Turbo Cruze is looking pretty damn good right now. Hell, compared to the base model DS3 the Kia Cerato Koup has more power, looks better and is almost $10000 cheaper!!!
Why do car companies keep doing this? Why is Skoda a cheap and nasty version of Volkswagen in Europe but a 'premium' brand here? Do they think we don't notice? Thank goodness for the Japanese and the Koreans I say.
Today it was announced that the base model, 70kW dunger version would start at $32000.
WTF??? The dealer i've been talking to tried to tell me that this was 'in line' with the Mini Cooper S and the Alfa Mito. Cars that, I reminded him, I have already failed to buy because I consider them ridiculously overpriced.
I then reminded him of other small hatchbacks in the 70kW range, cars like the Hyundai Getz ($14000), Kia Rio ($13000) and Suzuki Alto ($13000). Granted, the DS3 Racing is likely to be better in handling and quality than these, but the base model probably isn't.
Where is the extra $20000 going? Do they expect me to pay Posh Tax on a bloody French car now? This is the same company that made the 2CV, for crying out loud, a car that shared many characteristics with the Volkswagen Beetle except popularity.
This is ridiculous. The Aussie-built 1.4 Turbo Cruze is looking pretty damn good right now. Hell, compared to the base model DS3 the Kia Cerato Koup has more power, looks better and is almost $10000 cheaper!!!
Why do car companies keep doing this? Why is Skoda a cheap and nasty version of Volkswagen in Europe but a 'premium' brand here? Do they think we don't notice? Thank goodness for the Japanese and the Koreans I say.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Recently i've been getting into Marvel comics. I've been reading Dark Horse comics (Star Wars, Conan, etc) for a few years but last week I picked up a copy of Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman and it blew my mind. One of the ways i'm getting started in the universe is by watching all of the recent movies: Iron Man, Hulk, Ghost Rider, Spiderman, the Fantastic 4, the X-Men etc, and i've noticed that recently (post Iron Man) they're all connected in the lead up to a new Avengers movie.
My question is this: if they're all connected, does that mean that films earlier in the 'modern' era can be incorporated later? For example, could the new 'Thor' movie alluded to in the post-credit scene of Iron Man 2 see a guest appearance by Hugh Jackman as Wolverine? Will Captain America meet Ghost Rider? And when Nick Fury meets Luke Cage, will the screen explode?
The problem, I guess, is that every movie has previously existed inside it's own continuity. When Dr Doom attacked the Fantastic 4, one could hardly expect Spiderman to have come swinging in, even though logic dictates that he should have. Unfortunately said logic also dictates that the original Ghost Rider is also General Ross from The Incredible Hulk, so I don't know how well that will work out for Sam Elliot's schedule.
My question is this: if they're all connected, does that mean that films earlier in the 'modern' era can be incorporated later? For example, could the new 'Thor' movie alluded to in the post-credit scene of Iron Man 2 see a guest appearance by Hugh Jackman as Wolverine? Will Captain America meet Ghost Rider? And when Nick Fury meets Luke Cage, will the screen explode?
The problem, I guess, is that every movie has previously existed inside it's own continuity. When Dr Doom attacked the Fantastic 4, one could hardly expect Spiderman to have come swinging in, even though logic dictates that he should have. Unfortunately said logic also dictates that the original Ghost Rider is also General Ross from The Incredible Hulk, so I don't know how well that will work out for Sam Elliot's schedule.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Things Someone Should Have Mentioned At The Time, Part 1.
Welcome to a new series on this blog where I take the time out of my busy day to mention things that really, someone else should have mentioned earlier and saved us all a lot of trouble (and in my case, sleepless nights).
1. Star Trek. Now, let's get one thing straight: when I talk about Star Trek i'm talking about the REAL Star Trek. Shatner, Nimoy, Deforrest. You know a show is good when one of it's stars is named after a military tactic the yanks are using to kill the Viet Cong. You can keep all of your Next-gen, DS9 poofery, I once saw Captain Kirk build a primitive blunderbuss from dirt. Here endeth any competition and you haven't even had your turn yet. Awesome.
However, there was one part of the show that wasn't all that awesome. Correct me if i'm wrong, but the Enterprise was on a five-year mission of exploration and discovery, right? So how come every time the ship wasn't in orbit around a planet it was speeding past stars like nobody's business? Surely if you're supposed to be exploring you should stop at a few. Captain Cook didn't go tear-arsing past Australia, he got out and had a look around. Have you told Starfleet you're just phoning the trip in, Jim?
2. Tom Bombadil. I like Lord Of The Rings for a number of reasons, mainly because i'm pretty much convinced it's all true. You couldn't make that shit up, and one day Oxford scholars are going to find all of the ancient runic scrolls that JRR copied it from. Probably in CS Lewis' wardrobe. What does annoy me is that Tom Bombadil isn't in the movie. Yes yes, it's a non-linear part of the narrative. No-one likes it. He's weird and has singing sheep. But did you know that Tolkien's publishers put all of these reasons to him and told him to take Tom out of the book? His refusal delayed publication by about five years. FIVE YEARS. That's how much he wanted it in there, Peter Jackson. He was willing to put off earning cubic buttloads of cash and more elven groupies than his tongue could cope with (admittedly, 1950s British elven groupies) just to get a crazy dwarf and his choral bovines some page space. Given that, you'd think the matter would have come up while his estate (yeah, i'm lookin' at YOU, Christopher Tolkien) was negotiating the film rights. Twice, 'cause the shitty 70's movie left him out too.
3. Star Wars. In The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader had to take the Executor out of the asteroid field just to take a call on the hologram phone thingie. He had to sit on a huge metal plate just so's he could see a massive hologram of the Emperor. This technology was so limited, expensive and rare that in order to talk to his Admirals ON THE SAME SHIP (admittedly, a pretty big ship) Vader just used a TV screen. So can someone with the last name Lucas please explain how, 25 years earlier, this shit was handheld? And able to beam across the galaxy, from Tatooine to Coruscant? And while we're on the subject, it Tatooine is the place which is farthest from the bright spot in the galaxy, as Luke Skywalker puts it, absolutely everything that was ever important in the history of the galaxy happens there? Bloody hell.
1. Star Trek. Now, let's get one thing straight: when I talk about Star Trek i'm talking about the REAL Star Trek. Shatner, Nimoy, Deforrest. You know a show is good when one of it's stars is named after a military tactic the yanks are using to kill the Viet Cong. You can keep all of your Next-gen, DS9 poofery, I once saw Captain Kirk build a primitive blunderbuss from dirt. Here endeth any competition and you haven't even had your turn yet. Awesome.
However, there was one part of the show that wasn't all that awesome. Correct me if i'm wrong, but the Enterprise was on a five-year mission of exploration and discovery, right? So how come every time the ship wasn't in orbit around a planet it was speeding past stars like nobody's business? Surely if you're supposed to be exploring you should stop at a few. Captain Cook didn't go tear-arsing past Australia, he got out and had a look around. Have you told Starfleet you're just phoning the trip in, Jim?
2. Tom Bombadil. I like Lord Of The Rings for a number of reasons, mainly because i'm pretty much convinced it's all true. You couldn't make that shit up, and one day Oxford scholars are going to find all of the ancient runic scrolls that JRR copied it from. Probably in CS Lewis' wardrobe. What does annoy me is that Tom Bombadil isn't in the movie. Yes yes, it's a non-linear part of the narrative. No-one likes it. He's weird and has singing sheep. But did you know that Tolkien's publishers put all of these reasons to him and told him to take Tom out of the book? His refusal delayed publication by about five years. FIVE YEARS. That's how much he wanted it in there, Peter Jackson. He was willing to put off earning cubic buttloads of cash and more elven groupies than his tongue could cope with (admittedly, 1950s British elven groupies) just to get a crazy dwarf and his choral bovines some page space. Given that, you'd think the matter would have come up while his estate (yeah, i'm lookin' at YOU, Christopher Tolkien) was negotiating the film rights. Twice, 'cause the shitty 70's movie left him out too.
3. Star Wars. In The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader had to take the Executor out of the asteroid field just to take a call on the hologram phone thingie. He had to sit on a huge metal plate just so's he could see a massive hologram of the Emperor. This technology was so limited, expensive and rare that in order to talk to his Admirals ON THE SAME SHIP (admittedly, a pretty big ship) Vader just used a TV screen. So can someone with the last name Lucas please explain how, 25 years earlier, this shit was handheld? And able to beam across the galaxy, from Tatooine to Coruscant? And while we're on the subject, it Tatooine is the place which is farthest from the bright spot in the galaxy, as Luke Skywalker puts it, absolutely everything that was ever important in the history of the galaxy happens there? Bloody hell.
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