Correspondance I Have Not Yet Answered

D C,

By the time you read this, I may well be dead, as my head has been cut off. Well, not completely cut off, but I’m bleeding a lot. Well, when I say a lot, I mean a bit. A bit of a lot. You know what I mean. Can I have $20?

Mum

* * *

Mr D C White,
Embassy of The Republic of the Poongtwackle Archipelago,
G.P.O. Box 2768
Adelaide, SA, 5000.

Dear Mr White,

Thank you for your recent correspondence, but it has failed to clear up the matter at hand. While we here at the Electricity Trust of South Australia would be delighted to extend every courtesy to your recently-established embassy in Adelaide, we again reiterate that we have never heard of the Republic of the Poongtwackle Archipelago. Further, neither has the Department of Foreign Affairs or even ASIO. In any event, even established international embassies must pay their electricity bills. Enclosed is a final notice. Please remit.

Yours Sincerely,

Joe Bloggs,
Accounts Recievable Supervisor,
E.T.S.A.

p.s. As to your claim that The Republic of the Poongtwackle Archipelago is nuclear-capable, we are prepared to take that risk. Pay the bloody bill.

* * *

Dude,

Long time no see, eh? Listen, I was wondering if you had any room at your place, only I’ve got to get somewhere to hang for a while while all the fuss dies down. Just need you to give me the nod. Don’t worry about the dosh, I’ll see you’re all right.

Your old mate,

Lord Lucan (ret.)

* * *

D C,

I don’t mean to sound pushy but I haven’t heard back yet and I think that both of my legs are about to go too. Well, a leg. Ish.

How’s that $20 coming along?

Mum

* * *

Mr D C White,
G.P.O. Box 2768,
Adelaide SA 5000

Dear Mr White,

While the People’s Republic of Ecuador is prepared in principle to assist people of any nationality in their struggle against oppression, we are not prepared to recognize your ‘nation’ at the next sitting of the United Nations. This decision has been made primarily due to the fact that we do not know where ‘The Republic of the Poongtwackle Archipelago’ is. We are not prepared to believe that you have spilt coffee on your only copy of the map. In fact, we find spurious in the extreme your explanation that the only photocopier in your country is jammed, and that only through international recognition will you be able to allow a repairman to cross the Poongtwacklian/Javan border. May we suggest that you try Chile? They’d probably be in it for a quid.

Yours Sincerely,

Alberto Modesta,
Foreign Undersecreteria,
People’s Republic of Ecuador

* * *

D C,

I think rigor mortis has set in: I can’t feel my colon. Are you getting any of these letters? Whoops, there go my fingers all over the floor. That $20 had better bloody well hurry up is all I can say.

Mum

* * *

Mr White,

Thanks for taking the time to submit. I appreciate the look, but I’m going to pass.

Joe Schlabotnik,
McSweeneys.net