Random Doobings

The plane hadn't even taken off yet and already Captain Doobie was bored. He'd spent the first few minutes fiddling with the barf bags and the 'complimentary'* magazines, and in a rather worrying move was now investigating the underseat storage space. Goodtime Slim buried his nose in whatever airport book he'd been able to buy with a picture of an exploding airliner on it, did his best to ignore him.
It didn't work. Next to him Captain Doobie sat up again, triumphantly clutching a life-jacket.
"Put it away!" hissed Goodtime Slim in alarm, hurriedly looking around for the Stewardesses he felt sure would be approaching like a proverbial yet horizontal ton of bricks.
"Pig's arse," replied Captain Doobie, "I want to find out how to inflate it."
In desperation Goodtime Slim grabbed the life jacket and threw it over the seat in front of him, where it landed around the neck of a small child who subsequently thought it was Christmas.
"Let it go," Goodtime Slim told Captain Doobie in a stern voice, "You're not to touch anything for the rest of the trip, is that clear?"
"You know what your trouble is?" cried Captain Doobie, "You're anally retentive."
Goodtime Slim considered this. "What does that mean then?" he asked.
Captain Doobie had not expected this. "Um," he declared, "Well, it means that you, er, retain your...bum."
"Oh," said Goodtime Slim, "right. That's a bad thing, is it? Only I notice that you've still got yours and all."
"You don't understand," Captain Doobie yelled, "It's an insult!"
"No it isn't. It's not like people's bums just fall off all the time and the nasty people pick them up and put them in a green bag** while all the cool people just walk around with their large intestine hanging out."
"Look, it is an insult. Just live with it."
Goodtime Slim wasn't having with any of that. "I agree that normally anything mentioning bums is an insult. If you had told me, for instance, that I had a face like a smacked arse, then i'd be properly insulted, mainly because I don't but also because the first ever English usage of it occurred in an Enid Blyton book ***, and when you've been insulted by Enid Blyton you've been insulted fullstop. But this nonsense about being anally retentive doesn't seem to cut the mustard. Dick."
There was silence on the plane, or at least it was as quiet as you could reasonably expect on a plane full of bogans, business executives and stewardesses hurrying to extricate a child who had discovered how to inflate a life jacket.

*Anything that claims to be complimentary yet requires you to pay $100 to recieve it, isn't.
** People outside of SA shouldn't even ask about this one.
*** And it bloody well did, too. One of the Amelia Jane Adventures, if memory serves.