Diary Of A Phantom

For those who came in late...for many years, all we've known about the first Ghost Who Walks is the somewhat sanitised version of events told at the start of every comic. However, recent archaeological excavations in the remote Bangalla hinterlands (west of the Misty Mountains and a bit south of the Golden Beach of Keela-Wee) have unearthed a hitherto unpublished diary of the early days of Kit Walker, the first Phantom:

May 12, 1657. Bloody pirate attack last night. It's not like I hadn't warned them. "Why the hell do you want to go there?" I said, "It's only home to the frickin' Singh Brotherhood!!!" But ooooh, no. Dad reckoned he knew better. Tard. And now he's dead and i've been washed up on the beach in the middle of Buttfuck Nowhere. Great.

May 13, 1657. Tried to find food. Got knocked out by a coconut. Group of kids up the beach laughing at me. Arseholes.

May 14, 1657. Turns out they were pygmies. Aparrently i'm the first white man they've ever seen. Tried to ask them about the possibility of getting a boat but they seem to be retarded. I met their leader, who wears a lampshade. This just gets better and better.

May 15, 1657. What the hell is it with these guys and skulls? This morning we took off down a track and I hoped they were taking me to the nearest trading post or whatever the fuck they have out here, but we rocked up at some cave that looks like a skull. Then they brought me to the beach, where they'd laid out a heap of the dicks that had been on the ship. I mimed a ship but they just started jabbering.

May 16, 1657. OK, so now i'm living inside a big skull. Great, just what i've always wanted. And i've got a heap of kid-sized helpers running around. I'd like to go hunting so that I could eat something other than frickin mangoes, but the pygmies would want to come and they're not going to be an asset. Mangoes shit me.

May 17, 1657. Jesus, they've collected more bodies on the beach. AND they've started to smell. I ended up burning them. The microtards weren't especially partial to the idea so I made out it was some Heap Big Whitefella Ritual. Chucked the bodies on the fire then held up one of the skulls and sang "The Hairs On Her Dicky-di-do". They'll never know the difference.

May 18th, 1657. I. Don't. Fucking. Believe. This. Shit. They brought me a costume to wear. A costume! It's skintight and purple, and it has a mask. This looks bad. Now i'm either a superhero or a gimp. Think fast.

May 19th, 1657. An explorer came past the skull cave, so I punched him in the face. Problem solved: superhero.