Fantasy Novels

Recently I was invited to join a book club. I did so, but didn't realise that it was a fantasy bookclub. Under normal circumstances I loathe fantasy novels but I do read some. This has caused consternation and made me appear churlish so I thought it might be best if I set down once and for all my do's-and-don't's for aspiring fantasy writers:

What I like:
1. Barbarians: Call them Conan, or Brak, or just a load of vikings, I don't care. Just bring 'em on. In fact, anyone impossibly huge, even women like Lisamon Hulton or Mother out of the Scarecrow books.

2. Zeppelins: Anything involving Zeppelins will be fine. This also includes tales of stranded zeppelineers sans zeppelin.

3. Gemstones: Be it the Jewel of Gwahalir, the Kaiburr Crystal or the Eye of Set, any fantasy novel is instantly improved by large, easily-stolen gems.

What I hate:
-1. Trilogies: just cut it out, for heaven's sake. I want a book to read over lunch, I don't want to enter into a financial contract with the author for the next seven years or (in the case of Harry Turtledove) until one of us dies. Note to Mr Turtledove: I gave up on your books years ago. If you can't be bothered finishing them then neither can I.

-2. The standard plot. "A young boy/girl/dwarf named [celtic name] finds out from the old wizard/seer/witch [celtic name] that they have some gift which they must use to go on a quest to the land of [celtic name] to battle the evil forces of [celtic name] and bring peace and prosperity to the land of [celtic name]". Note: for tales of the Otori and other recent works please change [celtic name] to [oriental name].

-3. Modernisations of any sword-and-sorcery theme where magic takes the place of scientific progress.
-4. Vampires who conveniently don't get harmed by any of the accepted vampire lore.  If it's a vampire it can't go out in daylight and it hates the sign of the cross. If this gets in the way of your story, learn to write better. There are rules, dammit!