I Don't Write Sketch Comedy

And there's a reason for that:

A man enters a pet shop.
Man: Good morning.
Assistant: Good morning sir, may I help you?
M: Yes, you may. I should like to return this cat, as it is unsuitable for the purpose.
A: Unsuitable, sir?
M: It tickles.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but did you just say that it tickles?
M: Yes. It tickles my testicles. Or rather, I should say, it's tail does.
Pause
A: How, exactly?
M: It lightly brushes them when I wipe my arse on it.
A: I beg your pardon?
M: Don't look at me like that! I'm not a pervert.
A: Yes you are.
M: How dare you sir! I bought that cat and i'm entitled to do as I like with it.
A: We don't accept 'soiled' returns in any case.
M: Don't worry, it's perfectly clean now. It washed itself in the car.
A: Oh dear.
M: That's why I bought it. Saves on water, don't you know.