Versus!

Versus!

Here on ‘The Impertinence Of It All’ it’s time for a new segment that I call “Versus!” in which everyday objects with similar sounding names are pitted against one another in an arena which is totally judged by me and yet is at the same time completely fair and impartial. Our contestants this week are:

The Digital Set Top Box “Versus!” The Tennessee Flat Top Box.

Well, the competition is open and either one of our contestants stand poised to win the Impertinence Crown. Let’s take a closer look at both of them:

The Digital Set Top Box is a device for converting digital television signals for use with an analog set. It was developed several years ago by people I neither know nor could care less about. It runs on electricity and has buttons.

The Tennessee Flat Top Box was developed even earlier by hillbillies, possibly named Jed and/or Chet. It is somehow involved in the making of country music.

Well, there they are. Let’s see how they go in a few simple tests…

Round 1: The ability to store and disperse digital media. DSTB 10/10; TFTB 0/10
A disappointing start for the Flat Top Box, with its total lack of pluggery. The first round goes to the Digital Set Top Box by a mile, as it enabled me to watch a rerun of The Nanny whilst cutting out every annoying scene. 10 seconds later, the Set Top Box was a winner.

Round 2: The ability to be played by Luther Perkins. DSTB 0/10; TFTB 10/10
Country guitarist and member of the Tennessee Two Luther Perkins was (I’m reliably informed by a Johnny Cash song) something of a virtuoso on the Flat Top Box. Sadly Luther died some decades ago, so it’s unlikely that he ever used a Set Top Box. Even if be had, the best musical sound I ever got out of a Set Top Box was when I dropped one. It’s hard to imagine ‘Folsom Prison Blues’ or ‘Jackson’ being made like this.

Round 3: Place of origin. DSTB 5/10; TFTB 5/10
Well, a real thriller here with both sides coming out neck and neck. The Digital Set Top Box was made in far-off Cathay, or Khitai if you’re reading this in the Hyborian Age. As I’m not altogether sure if this place really exists, the Set Top Box is forced to accept half-points. Then again, the Tennessee Flat Top Box originated in the Deep South; the land of talking rabbits, tar babies, Burt Reynolds’ moustache and the Dukes of Hazzard. As such, I’m going to have to mark it down as well.

Round 4: Ease of operation. DSTB 0/10; TFTB 10/10
A complete upset this round with the Set Top Box scoring zero as I don’t speak Engrish. The Flat Top Box, upon which I was able after a few scant minutes to play ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’, was a clear winner, although it seems to have attracted the attention of Michael Flatley.

Total: Out of a possible score of 40, the Set Top Box has scored a lively 15, while the Flat Top Box scores a whopping 25! There’s no denying that in the years that follow, sales of Tennessee Flat Top Boxes are set to soar, while the Digital Set Top Box will become little more than a footnote in the history of human endeavour.