Random Doobings

CINC-PAC HQ,
US Navy
Pearl Harbour
Oahu Island
Hawaii, United States of America.

Captain Doobie,
C/o 'The Cloisters'
Morphett Vale SA 5162
Australia

Dear Captain Doobie,

I refer to your letter of the 1st of June 2008, in which you replied to my earlier letter in which I explained in some detail that the US Navy does not allow foreign nationals (especially those of dubious naval rank) to hire the services any kind of nuclear subsurface vessel. I again reiterate to you that this has been our longstanding policy.

While I had felt I had made this policy abundantly clear it appears that you are still in some doubt as to its veracity. To give reply to the point amply illustrated (with diagrams) in your second letter, the US Navy will not consider a change in this policy for the purposes of personal revenge. The US Navy is not a mercenary force and does not attack small shorefront fish and chip shops, no matter how much these shops may have overcharged you. On a personal note I would like to say that I have never tried vinegar on fries but I can only imagine that to be charged for it yet not recieve it would not be such a hinderance that a military strike was required as restitution.

Further, I would also like to notify you that the Commander In Chief (Pacific Fleet) would like to know where you got his personal phone number, and he has asked me to convey a message to you: should you persist in wasting US Navy time and resources the next reply you recieve will be taped to the nosecone of an incoming Polaris.

Yours,

Hyman T Spunkfelcher
Secretary, Commander In Chief US Navy Pacific Fleet