It is a sad fact that in Australia today more than two-thirds of all Elizabethan costumes will be stained with audience ejecta during the length of their stage life.
A recent study by the C Doobie Institute, "Why People Ditch Shit At Other People: A Treatise, 2008" has highlighted that over the course of it's performing life the average Shakespearian jerkin will come into contact with:
Fruit pulp
Paper and wood pulp
Feces
Lead shot
Pubes (unidentified)
Pubes (identified)
A mallet
Spit
Shoe leather
Vitreous humour
All of these items can substantially decrease the expected life of these garments. However, with regular spraying of Prof. G Slim's Patent Scotchguarding Tonic all of this can be avoided. A steal at only
$29.95 per can, it will protect your actor's clothing from the very worst that nature and disgruntled patrons can throw at them.
"Prof. G Slim's Patent Scotchguarding Tonic: It might smell like recanned Mr Sheen, but it isn't."
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