Biggles Recieves A Memo

To: Squadron Leader James Bigglesworth, 266 Squadron, RAF Biggin Hill, Thropshire Z28
From: Air Vice-Marshal Dowding
Date: 25th April 1945

Captain Bigglesworth,

It has come to the attention of GHQ that the officers in your squadron routinely utilise several belligerent and derisive sobriquets when talking of our recent enemy. However with the recent cessation of hostilities in the European Theatre and the forthcoming period of reconstruction that awaits us, these nom-de-plumes are no longer considered appropriate in His Magesty's Royal Air Force. Henceforth, the following names and phrases are not to be used by RAF personnel:

Hun
Harry Hun
Jerry
Bosche
Square-head
Kraut
Baron von Strudel
Herman Gelmet
Sausage-sucker

Further, the singing of any non-standard version of 'Colonel Bogey On Parade' is strictly prohibited.

That is all.

An Open Letter To Princess Leia

Dear Princess Leia Organa,

Recently, whilst carrying out my normal duties in a corridor in the rebel base on the ice-world of Hoth, I ventured past the medical bay, from the door of which I was astonished and very hurt to hear you refer to Captain Solo as a nerf herder, as though it were a derogatory term.

Of all people I would have expected you to understand the pain and suffering brought to all the natives of Alderaan after it's destruction by the Death Star. As you know, I was fortunate enough to be attending a convention of the Sherpherds, Herdsmen and Miscellaneous Herders Union on Corellia when Alderaan exploded, taking with it my family, friends and the reasonably-sized herd of nerfs that comprised my livelihood. Since then I have been determined to hurt the Empire in the best way I can, using my skills to ensure that all of the Tauntauns don't escape and run through all of the corridors.

While I realise that as a princess you may consider yourself a little above nerf herders in social circles, I would appreciate a little bit of professional respect and even basic courtesy. Would that hurt?

But no. Instead, as well as living every day with the crushing weight of guilt and humiliation that the empire has forced upon me, I have to endure my profession being put down, insulted, and treated like dirt. Geez, you really make me sick. I bet you're not even going to read this. I bet you just see it and walk away. Well fine! Walk away! Go on, beyotch! You just go and SIT IN YOUR TOWER, YOU STUCK UP PIECE OF SITH! SIT IN YOUR TOWER AND BE A LITTLE PRINCESS AND DREAM OF LUKE SKYWALKER LYING NAKED NEXT TO YOU AND LAUGHING AND SAYING HOW GREAT IT IS TO BE A PRINCESS AND NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AFTER STUPID SMELLY FRICKIN' TAUNTAUNS AND HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THEM AND...

I've said too much. You get my point.

Yours,

Kwango Dejilsic
Tauntaun Wrangler

The Time Detectives (Part 5)

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Volkswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

No sooner had they uttered the words than they became aware of several gaudily dressed youths around the edges of the forum. They were The Beach Boys, the most highly paid musical assassins this world has ever known. Each of them carried both a sword and nunchucks, and the trio of folk-singers knew that each was quite proficient in the arts of eastern combat.

“Give it up, hippies,” cried Dennis Wilson, “and we might let you go home in one piece.”
The other Beach Boys sniggered in a way that made everyone uncomfortable.
But the Beach singing sensations and cold blooded killers hadn’t reckoned with the legendary Garfunkel pluck.
“You’re kidding!” the tall, curly-haired folkster spat back, “do you think we’d just let you assassinate Julius Caesar and get away with it?”

The Beach Bows chuckled, hefted their swords, began trirling their nunckucks and moved in for the kill. Dennis Wilson said, “It’s not as if you’ve got a lot of choice in the matter now, is it?”

“Yes!” cried Joni Mitchell unexpectedly, “it is!”
At that she dropped to her knees as her time-travelling tiger, set to ‘defend’ leaped over her stooped shoulders and cannoned into the first Beach boy, tearing out his jugular while it knocked another Beach Boy’s head clean off with one swipe of it’s mighty paw. The other Beach Boys clustered around to attack, but to no avail. The tiger’s skin had been reinforced with a loose carbon-molybdenium weave and was impervious to swords, nunchucks and the close-harmony singing to which the doomed supergroup eventually resorted. Within 30 seconds the last Beach Boy was down and the tiger stood motionless, the remains of Dennis Wilson’s face staining the fur beneath its chin.

“Phew,” chuckled Simon, “that was close!”

George MacDonald Fraser

Wednesday this week, George Macdonald Fraser died. GMF was the author of the Flashman series, among other books. He was my favorite historical novelist and a recipient of the highest honor I am humbly able to bestow upon any author: he was one of the few authors whose new books I buy immediately upon seeing them in the shop for the first time, regardless of price, commonsense or circumstance.

The first book of GMF's I ever bought was 'Flashman And The Redskins'. At the time I was working for the Housing Trust in Adelaide and every time I stepped into the Angus & Robertson's near Beehive Corner (now sadly long gone) I would see a half-dozen of the Flashman books, all in the same style of cover, sitting in the remaindered table. Initially I was not terribly interested, being put off by blurbs that proclaimed it to be the second literary coming; you know the type. Eventually, however, I was jonesing and so I picked up the one about the Wild West. I started reading it on the way home and I was hooked. The others at the remainder table got bought in short order. I began to hunt. Once all had been read, his other stuff got read, like "Mr American" and "Black Ajax", and both were excellent. I even went to far as to order a particularly hard-to-get copy of his fantastic "The Pyrates" from Amazon US, and have never once regretted the expenditure.

But of all his creations it was Ol Flashy that I loved best. Swashbuckling, cowardly, the very epitome of the Victorian cad. That didn't stop me from wanting to be him, however, and I think that's the mark of the very best books. No-one was more pleased than me when Celtic Films announced that the followup to their very successful "Sharpe" movies was to be three tales from the Flashman Papers, with GMF editing the scripts, no less!

Off you go, GMF. Go join Flashy, Elspeth, Scud East, Count Ignatieff, John Charity Spring and the rest of your rogues gallery!

The Time Detectives! (Part 4)

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Volkswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

At that, Joni started pedalling furiously, and with a soft ‘plop!’ of displaced air the tiger disappeared from the coliseum, much to the delight of the roaring crowd.

As soon as it had disappeared, it reappeared in the forum, right next to Simon and Garfunkel’s time-travelling Kombi, which had not been moved by the Romans because none of them could drive a manual. Immediately upon arrival all three soft-rockers jumped out of Joni’s tiger. Simon immediately went to work, searching the area for clues. While he looked at the ground around the chair where Julius Caesar had been sitting, Garfunkel snooped around at the seats of the senators. For her part, Joni reached inside the tiger, pulled out her trusty old guitar and played a swinging upbeat version of “Big Yellow Taxi”, which helped the swinging folk duo concentrate no end. After a bit, Garfunkel rejoined Simon by the Kombi.

“Right,” proclaimed the diminutive Simon, “as far as I can see, there’s only one clue.”
He scraped his finger along the ground and held it up for Garfunkel and Joni Mitchell to see. “Sand!” Joni cried, “but how…?”

“That’s not all,” Garfunkel told her with a wink and a grin, “the dust in front of every senator’s seat up there has been disturbed in a very regular pattern.”

“What pattern?” frowned Simon, the sleuthier of the two.
“Ah!” Garfunkel beamed, “the dust is all disturbed where every senator’s right foot was. It’s as if…as if…” he trailed off, unsure of what he wanted to say.

Simon, however, was able to pick it up. “It’s as if they were all tapping their feet at the same time!”
Simon whirled to face Garfunkel and Joni Mitchell. “Now, who do we know who could make an entire forum full of senators all tap their feet in time…”

“And is associated in some way with sand!” Garfunkel finished for him.
There was a short pause while they all had a jolly good think. Then, almost in unison, all three of the folk/pop crossover songsmiths looked at each other and cried:

“The Beach Boys!”

Noarlunga Astrology

Recently, a report that was made up by me came out to general acclaim in astrological circles, the gist of which was that if you were born in the Noarlunga area of Adelaide, SA, you were more likely to have been influenced by the gravitational pull of local buses than you were by the planets. The reasons for this are quite complicated and I choose not to go into them now because I don't feel like making them up. Suffice it to say that this report has revolutionised the astrological industry as we know it, and so i'd like to announce my new-look zodiac for 2008, based on the new completely correct theories.

722 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide, via States Rd (Mar 21 - April 19)
This year will be a year much like any other, except that at some point you will be mauled by a koala. It's likely that this will be a koala which is far angrier than the ordinary kind because it's been repeatedly poked with a broom. Sucks to be you.

720 - Marion to Adelaide Via Sir Donald Bradman Drive (Apr 20 - May 20)
Don't go outside on your birthday. I don't want to cause undue alarm, so that's all i'll say on the matter. The months leading up to your birthday should be alright, and telling you about the months after seems a bit cruel what with you likely to spend them in hospital and all. Whoops.

725 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via Flaxmill Rd (May 21 - June 21)
I don't care what anyone says, those Rick Parfitt-style white jeans look absolutely ridiculous. Burn them. Twice if necessary, or you'll be picked off by a sniper with a .50 cal. Twat.

721 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via South Rd (June 22 - July 22)
Fark. I'm not even going to tell you this one, but it involves a pole-jobbing.

734 - Noarlunga Centre to Marion via O'Sullivan's Beach (July 23 - August 22)
Buy lots of lottery tickets this year. You won't win or anything, but the constant crushing of your hopes and dreans should prove amusing to your family and 'friends'.

710 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide (after 6pm) (August 23 - September 22)
Your partner is having an affair: every single person born within these dates is being cheated on. I know it might seem a little far-fetched, but the buses have so ordained it. Don't argue with Dieselus or you shall bring forth his choking wrath! Wrath!!!!!

733 - Noarlunga Centre to Marion via Happy Valley (September 23 - October 22)
Say goodbye to the toes on your left foot. They will be severed at 3:14pm on Monday the 21st of January. I'm sorry I can't give you more details than that.

745 - Noarlunga Circle Line (anti-clockwise) (October 23 - November 21)
Under no circumstances should you consider flying to Melbourne to watch the Grand Prix. Nothing's actually going to happen, but i'm going and I don't want the entire trip ruined by sitting on a plane with a whole heap of people who have had their noses rotted away. On second thoughts, I probably should have mentioned the noses first thing off the bat. In any event, the nose 'thing' should happen early Februaryish. Buy tissues.

702 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide via States Road (after 6pm) (November 22 - December 21)
You will have a fairly boring year all up, but eat more fruit to stave off scurvy.

743 - Noarlunga Centre to Hackham West (December 22 - January 19)
Avoid making any decisions whatsoever. You're already reading this drivel as if it's true or something, so you're off to a cracking start. And tuck your shirt in.

747 - Noarlunga Circle Line (Clockwise) (January 20 - February 18)
You're going to have a nasty incident with a piece of runaway farm machinery. It could be a combine harvester or it might be a monkey-spanker, the mystic veils are murky. It's probably not livestock, however.

713 - Noarlunga Centre to Adelaide (Weekends and Public Holidays) (February 19 - March 20)
You will change jobs 3 times this year, and careers twice. None of this will be of your own volition. Turkey.

From the Rome Times, Yesterday.

ROME: Authorities today called for calm in the Italian capital as rioting followed the news that Australian police had apprehended the Pope in Noarlunga, south of Adelaide, SA, and were holding him on charges of Causing A Public Nuisance.

Signor Capitane del Giovanni Bertorelli of the Italian Foreign Ministry told the crowd that the Pope had not been arrested, but an impostor claiming to be the Pope had.

"We-a heard that-a his holiness had-a been ayrrested in-a Adelayde but-a it turned out-a to be a hoax-a," he told the deeply religious crowd that had just laid waste to the entire Vatican.

While reports are still sketchy it appears that a man dressed as the Pope was attempting the make a home movie of himself defecating in the woods in his local area. While the reasons behind his behaviour are not known, local man Mr G Slim has been called in to identify the man.

Investigations are continuing.

Return Of The Jedi: The Lost Scripts

Death Star, Endor Orbit

Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours!
LS: Yeah? Well at least i'm not all horrid and wrinkly.
EP: Maybe not, but you whine like a 747.
LS: Ooh ooh, i'm so hurt. Wrinkly face! Wrinkly face!
EP: Am not!
LS: Are too!
R2D2: Bee-whoop?
Both: Shutup!
EP: Am not!
LS: Are too!
R2D2: Bee-whoop?
Both: Shut up!
Fade...

Later...
EP: Wabbit season!
LS: Duck season!
EP: Wabbit season!
LS: Duck season!
EP: Wabbit season!
LS: Wabbit season!
EP: Duck season! Vader, strike me down!
Lightsaber strike
Darth Vader: Um....
EP (reaching up and pinching out small flame on cowl): Let's try that again.

The Time Detectives! Part 3

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Vokswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

“That’s right,’ said the tiger, “now hold on!”
To Simon’s amazement and the crowd’s bloodthirsty delight, the tiger them swallowed the diminutive folk songsmith whole. Inside the tiger Simon found himself careening down a pitch-black slipperydip until he landed on a pile of mattresses and someone switched the lights on. When Simon looked around he saw that he was in a largish room that didn’t look at all like a tiger’s stomach ought to. In one corner, pedalling furiously upon an exercise bike with wires trailing of it sat Joni Mitchell, friend of both Simon and Garfunkel and regular performer at village gigs.

“Where are we?” Simon asked, looking around in amazement.
“Hello!” replied Joni Mitchell brightly, “this is my time-travelling tiger!”
“Wow! How does it all fit in?”
“More on that later. First, I’ve got to eat Garfunkel. You’d better get out of the way.”
As Joni Mitchell’s hands danced across the control panel in front of her, Simon scrambled hurriedly off of the mattresses. He did so not a moment too soon, as right away a rather bemused Garfunkel came rushing down the chute.

“Hi, Joni!” he cried, “I was wondering when you’d show up.”
Simon was dumbfounded. “You set all this up?” he asked in wonder.
“Sure,” Garfunkel replied, “when I got a moment after gladiator class, I put a note addressed to Joni inside an amphora.”

“Yes,” continued Joni, “and imagine my surprise when I was doing a gig in Rome in 1967 and stumbled across it during a tour of the Coliseum.  Immediately I began work on this time machine to rescue you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’ve got to get out of here.”

Joni began to program the coordinates for a safe return to the swinging sixties.
“Wait!” Simon said, “we can’t leave without the kombi! And,” he added, “There’s still the matter of who killed Julius Caesar to solve!”

The Time Detectives! Part 2

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Vokswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

Part 2: Soft-rockin' In The Free World.

"Hang on, daddy-o!" cried Simon, "but we only just got here! Everyone saw us."
Garfunkel added, "When was Big Julie knocked off?"
Mark Antony looked thoughtful. "About half an hour ago," he told them.
"Well," beamed Simon, ever the peacemaker, "it can't have been us then, can it."
But Mark Antony shook his head. "What with your bellbottoms, extravagantly long hair and light-harmonic vocal stylings, you can only be from the late 1960s. And that means that you must have a time machine, so you very well could have done it! Take them away!"

Before the best-selling folk duo could say 'pretty-pretty-peggy-o' they were whisked away to the dungeons of the colliseum, where they were forced to train as gladiators. While Garfunkel's superior reach enabled him to give a good account of himself with a trident, Simon was forced to rely on his net-throwing skills and a small dagger. The long-haired trendsetters trained for several weeks. Once, while they were in the Gladiator referctory, Simon lost his nerve.

"I don't see how we're ever going to get out of here," he said before he was pushed out of his seat by a large burly man from Andalusia.

Garfunkel wished he had had more time to buck his spirits up by telling him about the plan he had set in motion, but he had been unable to before they were hustled out before the waiting crowds, to duel for the amusement of the crowds.

As they went together so well even the Romans could see that they were an effective double act, so they paired them up together to fight the biggest, meanest lion either of them had ever seen. Garfunkel immediately rushed in with his trusty trident, but he was batted away with one large paw. The lion pounced on Simon, pinning him to the ground. "Please don't hurt me, Mr Lion!" he wailed.

Then a voice from within the lion said, "Don't worry, i'm here to rescue you."
Simon looked very confused. "Wait a minute," he declared, "that sounds like Joni Mitchell!"

The Time Detectives (An Exciting New Adventure Serial For Boys)

Simon and Garfunkel were the luckiest pop-folk crossover band in the world, for they owned a time travelling Vokswagen Kombi. Every night they would begin their set at a café in The Village and then, once everyone was asleep, they would jump into the kombi, set a course for the past (or future) and become…

THE TIME DETECTIVES!

Part One: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To The Forum.

One evening after a particularly haunting rendition of ‘Bleeker Street’, Simon and Garfunkel decided to visit ancient Rome. They jumped into their trusty Kombi, Garfunkel dialled in the year Zero, then popped the clutch, and hung ten down the time stream to Imperial Rome.

The psychedelic time-kombi burst into the forum in a blast of mellow vibes. Behind the wheel Garfunkel piloted it to a halt while Simon had a look around.

“Hey man, they all look really heavy,” Simon said.
Garfunkel peered out through the love beads that surrounded the windscreen. “All those senators?” he asked, “Yes, they do.”

After its unexpected arrival the kombi had been expertly surrounded by pilum-wielding Praetorian Guards.
“I wonder what’s wrong?” muttered a very puzzled Simon.
Garfunkel, as well as being the tallest and curliest-of-hair, had always been the more adventurous of the two. “There’s only one way to find out,” he declared, “Let’s ask them!”

Garfunkel leapt out of the Kombi and immediately sought out the most important looking person he could find.
“My name is Marc Antony,” the big Roman declared, “and you’re under arrest for the murder of Julius Caesar!”

Why I Have Never Seen "Miss Saigon".

1. Things that rhyme with 'Vietnam':
        Diet Spam
        Diver Dan
        Green Eggs and Ham
       
2. Things that rhyme with 'Saigon':
        Ride-on
        Hi Mom
        Qui-Gonn

I don't see how this could possibly make for a good musical.

Just A Thought

How much do you think Englebert Humperdinck must hate skywriters? I mean, it really wouldn't matter how rich and famous he became, they'd never be able to finish writing his name in the sky before the first letters blew away.

Success! One down, two to go.

This was emailed to me today:

Dear Damien,

Thank you for your email and for taking the time to contact me.  My answers are below

1. What is the ALP's policy regarding the separation of Church and State?

The question of whether there is a separation between church and state in Australia is not a question of belief, but rather one of fact. Section 116 of the Constitution provides:

Commonwealth not to legislate in respect of religion
The Commonwealth shall not make any law for establishing any religion, or for imposing any religious observance, or for prohibiting the free exercise of any religion, and no religious test shall be required as a qualification for any office or public trust under the Commonwealth.

2. Do religious beliefs influence any part of ALP policy?

During recent years Labor has been strengthening its relationships across the church community.  Kevin Rudd has met extensively with church leaders both in past years as well as since becoming Leader of the Australian Labor Party.

Mr Rudd brings to his leadership a strong Christian faith and a deep commitment to public service. He is passionately committed to Australia's future and sees the church community playing an important role in the future of the nation.  Labor understands the critically important role played by Australian churches in building and strengthening communities and providing a strong values foundation forAustralian society.

Church organisations and church congregations play an extraordinarily important role in the provision of education, health care, aged care facilities, housing and many other services often to the most needy people in society.  Labor understands also the important contribution that churches make to public debates not only on values issues but also on broader policy debates relating to

international conflict and war, poverty, industrial relations, education and many other matters. Labor welcomes the contributions of churches and Christian organisations in these debates.

Kevin Rudd and many senior Labor shadow ministers meet regularly with church leaders from a wide range of backgrounds. Mr Rudd would seek to continue this practice in office.  On a personal level, Mr Rudd understands the important role in society played by church leaders, in particular those in local leadership roles such as ministers, pastors and priests, and would seek to support them

in this role.

3. What is the ALP's policy regarding the teaching of evolution in schools?

Labor will establish a National Curriculum Board to ensure a rigorous, consistent and quality curriculum for all Australian students – from kindergarten to year 12 in the four key, core disciplines of English, history, maths and science.

Any addition to the science curriculum would be determined by a National
Curriculum Board which would consult with teachers, experts and parents and be based on the best available evidence.

Choices about the religious views that children learn are matters for parents.

4. What is the ALP's policy on state funding of religious institutions (educational or otherwise)?

Labor has a policy of not discriminating against any group or organisation based on their religious beliefs.  This includes when it comes to state funding.

In particular with regard to education no funding will be cut to any school. Labor believes there needs to be a greater investment in our schools. Under a Rudd Labor Government school funding will be based on the following key

principles:

1.      We believe a greater investment should be made at all levels of education, including schools and schooling;
2.      We will fund schools on the basis of need and fairness;
3.      We will not cut funding to any school; and
4.      We will not disturb the current Average Government School Recurrent Costs (AGSRC) indexation arrangements for schools' funding.

Thank you once again for contacting me with your query.

Yours sincerely,

Amanda Rishworth
Labor for Kingston

The History Of Stuff, cont.

Saturday

While many people now take Saturday for granted, it was unknown in the western world (although alluded to briefly in the Aztec calendar) until the Ecumenical Council of Nicea in 378. It was decided that as scripture referred to seven days, the seventh (which had previously only existed in scripture) should be invented in order to make it all look a bit speccy and not as if they were all just making shit up.

It was decided that this should be a day of rest too, but unlike the already-established Sunday, the new day should be a day of not complete rest but one where you could also do the shopping (although the banks would be closed) and go to the footy. As such, they named it 'Sat On Day', to represent the 'sitting' rest as opposed to 'lying down' rest that the Council anticipated. Over the intervening 17 centuries (adjusted for daylight savings) it has become known as the 'Saturday' that we all know and love.

Saturday was banned in the Italy of Bennitto Mussolini, and replaced with Iron Man Day.

Staff Memo

To: All Temple Staff
From: Jedi Council
Re: Possible Sith Infiltration
Date: 25/10/29 years before Battle Of Yavin

Due to the recent events on Naboo it has come to the attention of the Jedi Council that our old enemy the Sith have returned. Whie Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan have dealt with one of them the other remains at large. To aid in the detection of this individual, the Jedi Council have consulted the Sith Holocrons and have proposed the following checklist for Sith-spotting:

1. Cackling
2. An unpleasant odour
3. Yellow eyes
4. Big robes
5. Difficulty breathing for some reason (possibly the odour)
6. Sneaking around
7. Not using the Force very nicely
8. Red lightsaber

The last one is probably your best bet at this stage, although we realise that by the time you've actually seen the colour of the blade you'll either be dead or you'll have solved the problem for us.

That is all.

P.s. could the Padawans please quit it with the stupid Jar-Jar impersonations? It's driving us bantaka-poodoo up here. Sheesh.

Around The Courts

NOARLUNGA - Magistrate R Farchly today presided over the litigation case of C Doobie v Mercantile Alliance. In the case, C Doobie was suing his insurer, Mercantile Alliance, for the sum of 6 million dollars after Mercantile Alliance had failed to compensate him for the loss of his business in a recent, extremely localised earthquake.

Mr Doobie's business, the Captain Doobie Etch-A-Sketch Art Gallery, was claimed by him to contain many works of art of 'priceless value and artistic merit' which were completely lost in the event.

Mercantile Alliance corporate lawyers alleged that they had not paid Mr Doobie's claim as he was never registered as a customer with them, had never made a premium payment, and was completely unknown to them in any sense of the word.

Mr Doobie's star witness, distinguished Kerplunkistani art critic Sheik G Slim, failed to arrive in court. Mercantile Alliance moved to dismiss.

The case continues tomorrow.

True Or False:

1. Geese are the only birds that can fly backwards.
2. The world record for stuffing fun-sized Mars Bars up someone else's nose is 27.
3. The Ancient Greeks invented gunpowder by rubbing a rabbit with a glass rod.
4. NASA accidentally left a stapler on the moon in 1971.
5. Fish are legal tender in Samoa.
6. Hair continues to grow while you are asleep.
7. All artillery pieces in the British Army still have the capacity to fire cannonballs.
8. All GPS devices are slightly incorrect as they fail to take into account continental drift.
9. The Chrysler Corporation once designed a car to run on sea water.
10. There were 25 confirmed sightings of Wombles in suburban London last year.

Answers:
(1:T, 2:T, 3:F, 4:maybe, 5:T, 6:don't know, 7:duh, 8:yes, 9:T, 10:F)

Gettin' political

Recently, I recieved a veritable flood of mail from the major political parties outlining their policies for the upcoming Federal Election. However, none of them failed to state the information I most wanted to know. So, I sent each of them an idiosyncratic variation on the following letter:

* * *

[Candidate's name],

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the policies of the [candidate's party]. However, I wonder if you (or an aide) could take the time to answer a few further questions regarding [party] policy which were not mentioned in the document I was sent?

1. What is the [party] policy regarding the seperation of Church and State?
2. Do religious beliefs influence any part of [party] policy?
3. What is the [party] policy regarding the teaching of evolution in schools?
4. What is the [party] policy on state funding of religious institutions (educational or otherwise)?

These are matters which are most important to me. Please note that your reply (or lack thereof) may be posted on my website www.captaindoobie.blogspot.com in an effort to enlighten the public about your policies in these regards. Please note that emails asking the same questions have been sent to all major parties standing in the constituency of Kingston, SA. All parties will be treated equally upon publication.

Thank you for your time,

D C White

* * *

Let's see what happens now! Any results will be posted here in due course.

New Novel Idea

A-capella Archipelago A-go-go: Follows the lives and loves of an itinerant singing troupe as they seek their fortunes in the Bismark Archipelago in 1914. There's Piter, the leader, whose rugged good looks cause friction between the soprano Maria and the tenor Gretchen. The bass, Helmuth, is a moody Prussian whose Schlager scars hide a terrible secret.

Despite this the troupe lead an idyllic existence in the South Pacific. However, when war breaks out the Eidelweiss Singers are forced to confront their pasts, become involved with diamond smugglers and steal a floatplane.