Dog Day Afternoon

Ned cocked his two revolvers with a flourish as he strode through the door of the small town bank. Behind him, Dan and Joe also entered, taking up flanking positions at the bank’s two windows.
“Hands up!” yelled Ned, “this is a hold up!”
Unfortunately for Ned, this did not seem to have the desired affect. Usually when Ned said something like that, women would scream, children would hide in their mother’s skirts and men would go pale and start backing up. Ned rather enjoyed this. He’d been looking forward to it.
This time nothing happened, because the bank was empty. Empty, that is, except for the clerk. Granted, the clerk did stand up when the three outlaws came in, but that was probably more out of habit.
Ned didn’t waste any time. “Dan!” he barked, “make sure that the back door is covered. We don’t want any surprises.”
“Righto,” agreed Dan, who then vaulted the counter and headed out the back.
With deliberate slowness, Ned walked to the counter, his riding boots making a satisfying stompy sound on the floor. He stood in front of the clerk.
“Right,” he said, “The money please.”
The clerk looked appropriately scared. “Er, what money?” he asked.
Ned tried hard to look as menacing as possible. “This is a bank, isn’t it? Banks generally have money.”
“Um, not this one,” said the clerk in a small voice.
‘What do you mean, not this one?”
“We haven’t got any.”
Ned couldn’t believe it “This is ridiculous. Why haven’t you got any?”
In the background, Joe snorted derisively.
“It’s not my fault,” whined the clerk, “there’s no point getting upset at me.”
“No point getting upset?” Ned exploded, “Why not? I come in here to rob a bank, at great personal risk I might point out, and you haven’t got any money. It’s not easy being a bushranger you know. The overheads are ridiculous.”
The clerk really didn’t know what to do. “It’s not my fault,” he repeated.
Dan came in from the back door. “What’s all the yelling about? Are we done here yet?”
“No,” replied Ned.
“No?”
“No. The bank’s run out of money.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake. I told you we should have gone to Glenrowan.”
“Oh yeah, like you knew that this would happen.”
“Dan just wants to go to Glenrowan because he fancies the girl in the post office, Joe teased.
“I do not!” Dan shot back.
“Will everyone shut up?” yelled Ned. He turned to the clerk. “Right. Why don’t you have any money?” he asked.
The clerk shuffled his feet nervously. “The dog ate it.”
Ned paused at the news. “The dog ate it, did he?”
“Yes.”
“Pathetic. I’m not a teacher, you know. I’m not asking for your homework.” Ned was upset now, and starting to get snippy.
The clerk sighed. “Look,” he told them, “the mail coach came and delivered some gold florins and a whole heap of shillings. I just put them over by the dog for a second and when I looked around he’d eaten them.”
Ned rolled his eyes. “Oh great. Dan, have you got your pocket knife?”
“Bugger off,” said Dan, “I’m not doing that!”
“It’s that or stick your hand up its bum.”
“Ew. No.”
“Maybe you could pretend it was the girl from the post office,” said Joe with a snide smile.
“SHUTUP!”
The clerk interjected, “It’s got to pass through sooner or later. Why don’t you just wait? I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.”
Ned couldn’t believe it. “We don’t have time for that! I’ve got Steve outside keeping the horses running and the troopers will probably turn up soon. We’ll just have to take the dog with us.”
“Sorry,” said the clerk, “he gets horse-sick.”
“And I’m allergic to dogs,” Joe pointed out.
Ned turned to look at them all. “OK,” he said, “so we’ll just leave then, shall we? No robbery today because Joe is allergic to dogs. Great.”
“We could try Glenrowan,” Dan said hopefully.
Ned sighed. “Fine. Whatever. Let’s go.”
They trudged outside and jumped on their horses. Steve said excitedly, “How much did you get?”
Ned just shook his head. “Long story,” he replied.