Responsible Fire Safety Is Everybody's Priority

As a responsible male fire warden I expect that you, like myself, upon hearing a fire alarm immediately think "how can I get a root out of this?" The answer is that it's not at all difficult, dangerous or time consuming, as long as you allow yourself to reason logically.

What to do:
Upon hearing the fire alarm, all males in the building will have immediately evacuated, leaving any women and children to fend for themselves. Children have an innate sense of danger and small lungs, so at the point at which you decide to pretend to be a hero they'll have either already evacuated or been overcome by fumes. In any event, problem solved.

The women will have remained in the building collecting up the bare necessities like lipstick, mobile phones,  makeup, small containers of tissues, photographs of loved ones, the doily that their grandmother made them, packets of lifesavers, keys and other things that they somehow deem it necessary to unpack from their handbags every morning.

Prioritising:
It is now that the women in the building can be mentally divided into 2 groups: the hot chicks, and the ugly chicks. At this point it is most men's instinct to rescue the hot chicks. However, the hot chicks as a group will be expecting to be rescued first. This is after all one of the chief reasons they have avoided hamburgers and being belted with the ugly stick for the last 20 years. This expectation will mean that any rescue will be met with bored yawns and a marked indifference towards you, the rescuer. It is therefore a far better plan to rescue the ugly chicks first.

Rescuing The Ugly Chicks:
Upon hearing the alarm most of the mingers will have resigned themselves to a fiery death, and the realisation that you have rescued them first will set their undercut dripping in short order. At this point, you have a choice: you can stay with the ugly chicks who are fairly-well on for it, and may well have just made a deathbed resolution to shape themselves up a bit in which case: you win. Otherwise, you can now rescue the hot chicks.

Rescuing The Hot Chicks:
If you've done things correctly, you will have made a lot of noise whilst rescuing the ugly chicks, so that the hot chicks know that they have been left behind. At this point, the comfortable world of their own attractiveness will be shattered, and they will feel worthless and unwanted. Some may even contract immediate bulimia, which will have the added benefit of making them easier to carry, which is of prime importance after you've just lugged out some of the Two-Ton Tessies. Once rescued, they will immediately be far more grateful than they would normally be and therefore more than willing to dance the mattress polka, and you win again.

Happy hunting!