The Ridiculously Reticent Regent

It was all hands to the pumps in the Doobie/Slim household. In an effort to elevate their social status from the squalid, unemployable wretches that they actually were, Goodtime Slim had sent an invitation to the Queen to stop in for tea during her next Australian visit. Ordinarily a scheme like this would have little chance of success, but her Majesty found herself at something of a loose end during the South Australian leg of her tour. The whale she was booked in to watch at Victor Harbor had accidentally choked on a Greenpeace dinghy. It had taken some time to dislodge the Zodiac from the whale’s breathing hole, and this resulted in a goodish gap in the Royal itinerary. One of her aides remembered the strange letter written in crayon which had been received at Buckingham Palace several weeks earlier and had made the call.

It had taken Captain Doobie (who answered the phone) quite by surprise. Immediately, the house was transformed into a whirlwind of tidying. The broom was called out of its cupboard for the first time since they’d tried out (unsuccessfully) for the Curling at the Winter Olympics; and a vacuum cleaner was borrowed from Crikey o’Trousers, the mad Irishwoman who lived next door. Crikey had been only too happy to lend it once she heard about the Royal Visit, not because she was a monarchist but because she had always secretly longed to hurl a washing machine at the Queen’s limousine as payback for Princess Di. (Funnily enough, as it turned out her plan was almost thwarted when she rushed out and attempted to purchase a washing machine for the purpose but got her arm stuck in a goat, for reasons that I don’t care to go into now.)

Captain Doobie and Goodtime Slim threw themselves into the cleaning. A large cloud of dust was raised above their house and a multitude of bugs found themselves homeless. Goodtime Slim finally found himself a use for the can of Mr Sheen that he had bought to taunt the bald man across the road with, while Captain Doobie was thrilled to find his Spiderman mug which had lain undisturbed at the bottom of the washing up pile since Bathurst 2002.

After a clean-up effort of gargantuan proportions, Goodtime Slim pronounced everything clean and tidy, and commenced to make some scones. Captain Doobie set about polishing up his mother’s favorite antique teapot and silver cow-creamer. His mother’s teapot had been a wedding present while the cow creamer had mysteriously appeared in her luggage after her tour of the large manor-houses of England. Customs hadn’t been asking any questions upon her eventual extradition, and given the circumstances neither had Captain Doobie.

And so it transpired that Captain Doobie and Goodtime Slim sat in their loungeroom, enjoying high tea with the Queen. Captain Doobie poured the tea whilst Goodtime Slim busied himself buttering the scones and congratulating the Queen on her choice of blackberry jam (his favorite, a point which would cause much gloating in the house in weeks to come). This done, the three of them settled back on the couch for a jolly good munch and a chat, during which Captain Doobie confessed to the Queen of his recurring dream in which he circumnavigated the globe in an Ultralite constructed in large part from Prince Charles’ ears. While her Majesty seemed to be enjoying the conversation she appeared to be experiencing difficulty with her scone. Eventually she put it down and used her impeccably-manicured fingernail to pick out something from between her teeth.

“Oh,” she cried when she saw what it was.
“What is it?” enquired Captain Doobie politely.
“Ay seem to have gort a small black hair cort in may teeth from thet scone,” she replied, “Ay understand how much people layke cats, but having them in the kitchen goes beyond the rules of good taste.”

“But hang on,” said Goodtime Slim, “we don’t have a cat.”
There was a short, awkward pause.
The Queen left soon after. Captain Doobie and Goodtime Slim never again had her to tea, but their legacy remains in tighter royal security protocols to this day, a washing machine-shaped dent in the royal limousine, and a mentally-scarred goat.